Let’s start with, I’ve never been the girl who longed for or fantasized about the love of my life or my wedding! I didn’t go in and out of relationships searching for meaning; but I did go in and out of promiscuity in search for control! I often stood alone, falsely brave, sure that I could do anything and mindlessly surrendered to the brokenness that said I didn’t need anyone. Yet the brokenness was more clearly that I couldn’t trust anyone, so I wouldn’t place myself in positions that meant I must. Except for the occasional crazy cycle of only risking with those whom I knew would fail me because then I could innately rationalize my disfunction and continue down this broken road that would, thankfully, lead me to You Lord...
Then there was the day that I felt like You handed my heart to someone You trusted! And boy did I think I was ready. So I must impart here for all of you “girls from dust” out there, don’t we always think we are ready? Seriously when it comes to relationships with these men God’s made, don’t we always think we are ready. Ready to date, ready to get engaged, ready to marry, ready to have children...we always think we are ready...am I right? Be honest ladies, if you have found yourself standing and waiting on a man...you have told God over and over how ready you are. I think those are the moments where God just lovingly gazes at us and says oh sweet child you have no idea...
You see God loves you so much that He would rather do the work in you now to bring you closer to reflecting Him, than to deliver you into an idea that you are ready for what marriage and true love actually means. So just to be fair, I would like to inquire from the current wives, “Were you ready? Did you have any idea what was coming and how hard it could be? How often you would hand over your worth and identity to the man standing at your side, clinging to his actions and words to fill your identity cup?”
My God is loving me so hard and so well right now that I cannot even stand beneath the weight of what that means. You see He loves me so much that He would rip me out of the hands of another to offer me a healing so deep it would ensure I will be ready, one day, for this thing of being His bride. We will all do it ladies, at one point or another, we will put our worth in the hands of a man and wait and watch all of his actions to determine our value; both before and after marriage. It is a battle and an offering daily in any healthy relationship. There is also the side of this that until God begins to move into that role in our lives, we will have or will continue to hand it over to some pretty unreliable sources as well; Men who abuse and use and manipulate the beautiful essence of a woman! I didn’t even know how broken I was here until He showed me myself and my deep wound! Listen the wound can come from so many different things, the enemy is sly and fiercely despises the precious gift your heart could offer its counterpart; as God implies while bringing Eve before Adam and saying she will be a “sustainer beside you Adam” (Ezer Kenegdo). As for me I literally just discovered this morning that the wound was inflicted from my own unknowing mother and her wounded soul of unworthiness and then cleverly reaffirmed through the sins of many men along the way, as well as my own sin sinking the nails deeper and deeper still! We were collectively participating in the destruction of Gods fragile and precious design of her; and isn’t this obvious and true of modern day american society! I have walked with so many sisters through this process but for whatever reason did not see my own brutally inflicted wound; but then again how could I until I stood next to a man who really would point me back to Christ in a way that God would reveal a beautiful plan for healing and a sinful heart of surrendering my worth over to Adam. Sweeping my floor this morning at my studio it hit me and really hard...I knew it was coming. I’d tasted it moving into my soul, but I just couldn’t grab hold until this moment! The fear, the lie, the overwhelming weight of it all...the idea that if only I was enough, then...then my mom would not have chosen so many other lovers over her God or her daughter...Then she would have quit running to her addictions...Then those men would not have abused me and left...Then every man who failed me would have chosen to fight for me...and on and on and on. That if I was enough things would look and be a certain way....but we are in a fallen world beloveds! The weight of these "thens", belongs to God alone and not a single human could ever bear this burden! So here I stand in circumstances beyond my control, watching and waiting on God and He says and has been saying all along, “Sarah Dawn, my beloved, this has nothing to do with your worth or your value, it never has! You are Mine; I know you are Mine and that is enough!” And I sink and whisper desperately, “Help me to believe, Abba, help this broken and unbelieving soul find the Truth.” Because somewhere in the story I related this lie to You God, and decided if only I was enough then You would give me the deepest and most hidden, and even denied unto myself, desires of my heart to be seen and loved unconditionally. Strange right? You have already said Yes to me, I’m breathing after all! You have already chosen me, I’m ministering after all! You have already married me, I am Your bride after all! You have already decided to heal me, this heart is thriving after all! You have already accepted me, because I’ve been written on Your Hand after all...and yet I’m blind! But then I see a glimpse of light that's so redemptive it ignites the wildest embers of my soul! Now Lord, in Your great Mercy and Love, may the process begin of me seeing, receiving and truly accepting these gifts from You. At the end of the day it is all You Lord. The way the story goes isn’t based on someone else choosing me or giving me value, treating me well or honoring me as Your daughter, but on You alone deciding who deserves to come alongside Your hand, already holding and healing this heart of mine and participate in the journey we're taking into Your likeness! Love is a gift, honestly none of us deserves to receive it in the breathtaking form of a marriage, communion, commitment to another, but our God has chosen to offer us to one another, trusting us to go to Him for our strength and our worth, and to point the other to do the same! He loves you so much, that He is willing to do whatever it takes for those who love Him to see their worth is in Him alone and always will be, before handing us over to the beauty and struggle of helping another continually surrender to the same source of meaning! God also is the only one we place our full trust in, not in the other and their choices, because the reality is we are all broken and all sinful; but I believe that if we will continue to lift each others broken pieces up before the Lord, He is faithful to us and He will work all things together for the good of those who love Him...
This morning I read the best description of what that word “good” means in this passage,
“Good means to be changed to be like Him who is Best.” ~Ann Voskamp
Ahhh but now my beloveds I hope we can see, may we each continue to heal and come to know...this is the work of redemption, restoration and reconciliation at its Best and God only wants His Best for You His Daughter!!!! So you don’t have to know the outcome, you can still believe in the middle of uncertain circumstances that God is working all things together for the “good”...and trust this girl from dust, it is worth it and more than you could ever ask for or imagine! Don’t give up! My love and prayers are lifting your broken pieces up before Your perfect Father…
Abba have mercy and...
Enlighten what’s dark in us
Strengthen what’s weak in us
Mend what’s broken in us
Bind what’s bruised in us
Heal what’s sick in us
Revive whatever peace, love, and beauty that has died in us...
Make us Your bride!
From Dust To Dust…
You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. -Song of Songs 4:7
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