So here we are…as many of you may not know, we had stumbled upon a house a few weeks ago that just captured our hearts. And so many details just began to fall into place with no effort. I kept telling myself do not get attached to an outcome; but despite myself I was imagining decorating and filling this house with people and love and a yoga studio and a room for Davyn. We chatted of the color she would paint her room and I took a gander at every thrift store creating a design with all the furniture I found. We found out we were eligible for a large grant towards the purchase, my mother was sending a gift for a down payment, my last landlord who is also a realtor was placed directly in my path with oodles of helpful information, the school district for Davyn specialized in art and stringed instruments (she wants to play the violin), and so, on and on the details seemed to fit. I reminded myself of Gods great providence and love and I knew he could give us this house if He desired to…and boy was I praying for it! With all the snow we had seen here in Oklahoma, things were being postponed, but finally this past Monday I made it to the bank to get preapproved. We needed the bank to loan us around $50,000.00. The young lady that helped me with the process was a delight and told me as soon as she heard from the underwriter she would let me know. On Tuesday when my phone rang, I heard it in her voice and she sweetly said, “We cannot help you at this time, you simply do not make enough money.” I thanked her and said goodbye! I just sat in silence for a bit and took note of the first few thoughts that came to mind; and just as quickly as they came I began to battle them in the quiet confines of this cell I now sat in spiritually. The first thought was for Davyn, just not wanting to see disappointment on her face. I could get lost in thoughts for her; for all I have sacrificed she has along side of me also surrendered! The second was what those who have watched me serve the Lord would think of Him in this situation; logically I knew I could not control this, but none the less there it was and its ugly insinuations seeping into the depths of my mind! Then the roughest blow, the feeling of an unanswered prayer, once more… I told myself, this isn’t the end; God can still bring you this house, all the while fighting back tears. It wasn’t long before I was indeed overcome and just fell to the floor and cried from the deepest place in my soul! I was so disappointed, so hurt and so aware of His hand in all of it…but so broken hearted at this conclusion. As I wept uncontrollably, the strangest awareness came over me; it had been 9 or 10 long months since I had wept in His arms like this and although I wanted to resist the pain, I couldn’t help but thank Him for drawing me so much more near to Him through this defeat, in this moment. As my mind swept over my journey with Him I could see that these were indeed the greatest moments of freedom, of growth, of knowing Him, of revelation….and here on my knees I would praise and thank Him for them, because without these trials I may not have come to know Him at all! I finally was experiencing that illusive notion of praise during trial; and it was in spite of my flesh, it was without my effort to create praise as an obligatory response. It was raw, pure, and Spirit led worship; there on the floor of my soul. And so His careful revelation and comfort would begin to embrace my heart and mind; I am thankful that I no longer have to stay so long in that place before He captures my gaze and takes my hands in His hands, raising my eyes to His and lets me see Him there with me…
My heart still ached but was now soft and open to what He wanted me to catch sight of….and so tenderly He led me by the hand into His lovely telling of the story. He would counsel me through many other voices, I would hear a resounding message; one that was being brought to me days before I found out about the loan. I saw how He was preparing me ahead of time. The message was “I AM enough for you, Sarah. Even here, in this moment of disappointment, I WILL be enough for you, sweet Sarah. You will rise up from the floor knowing and trusting and loving me more. I WILL free you from whatever lies your mind has hidden away for precisely this moment, and from any wounds that lay dormant in your soul that now, in this moment I see fit to draw away from you. I AM leading you closer to Me and freeing you more from yourself.”
I could rest there…that was good! But as I went into my webinar for Holy Yoga that night, He continued to reveal Himself to me. I had not read through the scripture page yet that week, and here I sat reading it now. As the class began, He drew my gaze to a statement that would fill me with absolute love and assurance. As I received it He said, “Sarah My desires for you are far greater than your desires for yourself. Will you trust me here; after years of waiting, after unforeseen hardships, after uncertainty, disappointments and setbacks? Will you still accept My promises to you and My direction for this story? Will you take your place in this story and let Me take Mine?” And all I could say was, “Yes, Lord, I will! You are enough for me!”
So this story is not so much about a house, as it is about a home… He is Our Home! And the gifts He gives are always greater than the gifts we wish to receive. I wanted a house….He gave me a home; one that will never fall apart, or need repairs. One that is free of charge and can go with me anywhere! So whenever He gives us a house, I can bring my home into it for all to share….I trust You, Lord! Thank You for Your perfect Grace….
