“My soul does cry from the depths; my heart does sing before the thrown.Beneath this season of the Great unknown” ~me I can recall the simple way He showed me two months ago, on the eve that He would ask me to completely let go. I had drove out to the mountains to just be still with Him; to welcome the comfort that only He could give me...to seek the wisdom that I still had not known in the disarray of my circumstances....to come to grasp the peace that would replace what I was previously holding on to. And meet me He did, as always...Faithful beyond my capacity to comprehend. I jumped in my car after a long day of confused thoughts, heavy lies and tear stained cheeks; I was needing physical sustenance. I just stopped at the first place I found that I could eat and as I drove through to order and pick up my food I remember my plea clear as day...”Lord I do not understand any of this, but I know Your Love for me. Show me how to rest in Your plan here...How to find Your Loving arms and bury my face and my heart into Your grasp. Show me whatever it is I need to see; reveal to me why You’ve drawn me to these mountains. For I am in a space of fear and doubt and I want to trust You...remind me how, Please Lord remind me how...” It was quick and it was intense as the words burned across my lips and out into the atmosphere, but none the less He was immediately there to capture the essence of my heart in this prayer! I remember glancing up briefly from my train of thought and noticing the motto of the place I was ordering from, printed on a placard before me “Get what you want, get what you need.” It caught my eye because at the moment I truly felt as if He was asking me to give sacrifice to that which I had wanted for many long years...but then the sweet whisper resounded in the deepest corner of my being “Sarah Not just what you want, but also what you need....this is My desire for you my precious one.” I let that soak for a moment and as I approached to window to receive my meal, I asked the young man standing there for some hot sauce, I quickly said “A lot please.” I actually think I began to cry as I watched this young man continue to pile sauce into my bag, I mean so much that there was no human way possible for me to eat it or use it. And he was just so stinking happy to keep reaching down and placing handful after handful into my bag. But it’s what God was saying to me there that just wrecked my heart, “I’m going to give you so much more than you’ve even asked for Sarah. More than you ever imagined.” I remember smiling at the young man who was completely oblivious to the role he just played in Gods speaking to me...I knew he noticed the tears rolling down my face and I’m sure was confused by my extreme response of gratitude over hot sauce. I just smiled through the tears and said, “Thank you so much, you just helped make my night better.” I drove back to my room for the night and just kind of sat on the bed with all that hot sauce spread out as if I could roll in it...I know it seems silly but you see He has always talked to me through the common place things, the daily notions, the perfect people; used to reflect all His Love, Grace and Glory! So I sat and I rested in this sweet conception He had just set before me....my eyes grew heavy and all of me fell into that Love; my heart, my mind, my body and my soul....resting fully in a gift I could not completely wrap my awareness around! And I slept....with peace...held in His mighty arms... As the next several months unraveled I’d like to say I grew more secure, strong and carefree in this wisdom...but instead I would face the Greatest unknowns I’d ever come to wrestle with. Just question after question as I watched His powerful Hand reveal truth in the very darkness I had been wondering. And often I didn’t even know what to do with it...I would just stand mind running, heart quivering, head shaking and soul seeking. I cannot think back on a time when I ever wept as long or as hard as I had in this season. I also don’t recall ever being met so Gracefully again and again and again by Father as I wrestled with it all. The cost felt too much for me yet it was exactly what I needed spent in order to know Him more deeply, more assuredly, more completely in these moments; this was a truth He wanted to last forevermore within my very nature. But it was going to be a hard process to sink it in. So many moments of perfect clarity swept away by insane emotion...all of it remains a simple lack of trust, a lack He knew was hiding there in the very tender space of my heart and so He would offer me trust in a way I wasn’t necessarily welcome to receiving it...in the Uncertainty! I don’t know how many times over the last few weeks I have heard myself say to others; I just have no idea what God is going to do here. I cannot see at all which direction He will take this. nothing aligned well enough in my own cognition to give a clear route....it was as if puzzle pieces had just rained down and I was finding them everywhere; I knew they all went together but had no idea of what the picture would look like or how the pieces even fit. And yet everyday He was kind enough to show me another piece and to give me my task, the one focus He wanted me to have. How He wanted me to pray, what He wanted me to build and of course who and how He wanted me to love. I guess I just didn’t realize how hard it would be for me to follow through on those things. My heart fluttered beneath the weight every several days and I would crumble once more into His arms and He would say something only He knew to stay to strengthen and encourage my heart once more. It was the place I’d been so many times before and it is a beautiful place of daily learning to exchange all my burdens with all His Grace. But it remains an uncertain place...a place where if I allow my mind to wonder I end up terrified and in pain. It’s the hallway...He’s closing a door behind me but has yet to open another and He wants to gift me here, I feel it....but I just haven’t learned how to praise Him in the hallway...where I must wait once more! I know He wants to offer me a sweet kiss in the moment; one that showers Joy upon every fiber of my being, I simply haven’t learned to receive it yet....How to stand in such vast uncertainty, tainted with extremely painful moments and just praise Him, and wait for the absolute best ending to all of this....the one that goes beyond that which I can imagine at the very fullest level of my creativity! Today may be the very first day that I can see....the waiting will be worth it even if I do not understand a single piece of what the puzzle is going to become; I am certain it will be the most glorious image I have ever seen....because it is His!!! Rest In Him sweet souls...know that the unknown was meant to be enjoyed and not feared....meet Him there and let Him show you The Way...the One, True, Faithful, Perfect Way! Love you all....sincerely, waiting and learning to praise Him in the hallway!
