What Grace is this....

Grace encompasses so very much more than my teeny mind can comprehend but when You glimpse before me deeper meaning I am captivated and simply in awe! With a little crumbled up piece of paper in my hand that reads “My Grace is sufficient enough for you.” My heart opens just a bit more to understanding Your words. Its as if I could feel You whisper into me, “Return to grace with every breath, in every breath and for every breath, and beloved it will be enough for you!” Grace stifles out the constant verbal thinking that insists you have not done enough, worked hard enough or achieved enough. You have not made all the right decisions or accomplished all the expected successes. You have not prayed enough, loved enough, served enough, lived enough and the oh too powerful and familiar thought, “you are not enough.” Grace meets these thoughts right from whence the darkness came and quietly responds, “I accept that, and it may very well be true in this world, but it does not change the fact that I am still accepted enough and loved enough, by the only One who truly matters.” For by the Grace of God I am who I am, right here and right now with all my failures, shame and disgrace. This is my story, all of it! It takes back the power from the darkness and returns it to the source. Those words of yours lose their influence and any control they had over you, as you begin to accept them and then quickly turn to the One who accepts you no matter whether these things are true or not; whether they can be counted or covered. I suppose I just never looked at Grace quite this way. I suppose I always looked at Grace as what God gave me after I had sinned. Not what He gave me during my sin. Not what He offered me in every moment. Not what He provided to save me from myself! But here it is a very sweet exchange of all my “not enough’s” for an all powerful “I said you are enough!” Grace does not always change us immediately but it does remind us of how very much He loves and believes in us! It is just the most endearing gift! He does not try to change us or insist on us doing it His way (because He knows that we cannot without Him), instead He offers Grace and through a numerous and continuous offer of that very Grace, we usually find ourselves transformed deeply over time!

Your life is then no longer the sum of all the places you did it right, the places you succeeded, the places you excelled; but instead it is more about the place you went after you had done it wrong, after you had completely failed or screwed up, perhaps again and again. It seems so unfair, it seems like we should pay for it or earn it....but it is simply offered over and over. I would argue that Grace feels like betrayal, especially when we are asked to extend it unto others. To simply accept that someone, as they are with all the things they have done, even those things that hurt you; that they deserve Grace! Our minds will often scream, “but they haven’t earned it, they haven’t even begun to change their behavior.” Insert the prodigal son story here, remember how it plays out. Remember Jesus came for the sick not the well and aren’t we all suffering from just a little of the sickness? But you see, that is the mystery of Grace and the beauty of it’s supernatural healing power. Grace feels a lot like love, it accepts injury and insult without a fiery tongue that lashes back, accepts rejection and betrayal without vengeance having its way, accepts that everything is beautiful just as it is, broken and messy and that there is still light to be found in every space you look! It smiles at the darkness welcoming its taunts and then without shame turns to bathe in the Light. Even as I write this down, I feel as if I want to stop my hands and utter aloud, ummm....now hold on here! Isn't this giving an excuse to people making bad choices to keep making bad choices and never change? Don't we have to do something, if we don’t change and do things right then Grace will surely stop. It is as if I want to attach a warning, a fairness button, if you will, for all of us who are making the right choices today....but wouldn’t it be an utter shame if I had my way! Wouldn’t all of my wrongs look so much different if I could not see them through the lens of Grace! This reminds me of that story in the bible about the workers who were paid the same wage no matter what time of day that they had started working.......so here we stand 2000 some odd years later complaining of the same treatment. Surely those who have sinned much should not receive the Grace I did when I came to work for you Lord. Surely the man who murders, rapes, abuses, steals cannot find His name among those in the Grace Story. Surely those who continue to hurt people and themselves cannot touch Your Grace and receive from it the healing, peace, comfort and love it offers. But who are we to decide what each man will be paid for their labors here on earth. I know it feels wrong but I have come to understand it as perfectly right...It is AMAZING GRACE!

Wisdom from the Thorn

Still processing it all from the previous blog...however, as revelation has come upon me today I must mention, I had tried myself to pull the thorn out many many many times; but to no avail! My methods were painful and rash and desperate at times, but the thorn never budged. It simply bore itself more deeply into my side as if to say, “It’s not your hand that may remove me from your side.”  Only the hand of God could remove the thorn, and it required little effort of my own; I had only to lie down and be willing to let Him work. For the thorn had its orders and I had mine, and only the Lord could speak over either of us to move....I suppose I say this because of the beauty of His perfect timing. For a time I needed the thorn, He was using it in my life; He was there! When He no longer saw a need for it, well then He came to me and walked me through its removal. Much like the last line of the previous blog...the wine making is up to Him. It is learning what your role is and knowing you have one, but relenting before Him always to listen for what this moment’s Wisdom may offer and being aware that this Wisdom changes from season to season. We do not control the seasons, and therefore cannot control the changes. We can resist them but ultimately will be overcome if it His will in which we have come to desire! So leave the thorn removal to Him which designed the rose; partake of its splendor for the season and partake of the pain if it what is necessary.....

The Moon Daddy......

“Why is the moon following us Daddy?”

“It only appears that way dear.”

I entered my weekend of retreat greeted by the sweetest story from the lips of a precious woman of God. She tells of a young girl in the back seat of her Dad’s car asking ”Why is the moon following us, Daddy?” And her Father explained in great detail Einstein's theory and other scientific details; trying to satisfy her question. To which she replied, with gratification in her voice, “Ok, Daddy.” After an hour more of driving, again she said, “Daddy, why is the moon following us?”  This time her Daddy just smiled and said, “It only appears that way dear.” 

 Perhaps that this is how we can view Our Father, that He could try, and may have tried, to explain it all to us but our simple and small minds are unable to comprehend and we find ourselves asking “Why” over and over again, and the best answer He can lovingly offer is, “It only appears that way dear.” 

 I sat in the car, riding to the retreat, feeling the familiar draw of the Holy Spirit within my chest. My mind had found itself buried deeply in the throne room of this heart and there I stood, palms open, waiting for what was coming upon me. I knew it was Him, because I had not even known a season of mourning was owed until He stripped the armor from my body and breathed into me, “Let us prepare for surgery dearest Sarah.” I humbly laid down and with every nerve in tact felt as His masterful hand reached into my side and pulled out the thorn. As long as I had been waiting for it to be removed, I thought elation would be the first emotion I felt but instead, what felt like deep, deep sorrow welled up from within. A sorrow I knew the Holy Spirit felt and shared with my soul as I began to cry. I heard my own lip’s confess, “I will embrace this loss and mourn it with and through You beloved Spirit.” It isn’t a loss as maybe some would imagine. I hadn’t lost a life, a relationship, a job or any other tangible obvious thing. But instead I was losing a thorn, a thorn I had been asked to carry. A thorn that I had felt transform my spirit, my soul, my identity, my story....One that beautifully mingled a journey of pain, of struggle, of indifference, of wrestling, of absolute surrender, of trust, of faith, of revelation, and of identity into the most profound dance I have ever experienced! But today He was saying, “I am removing it from your rib sweet child and though your body has grown over its point and the flow of its shape has joined in harmony with your flesh, it is time for Me to take it out! It will be painful, but it must come out in order for your flesh to heal.”

  So surgery began and I surrendered and wept as we walked through it! I knew He couldn’t explain it to me, I knew I would never understand! I knew that why was a question I needed to relent. That there was not an answer in this moment that would satisfy my soul and so He simply breathed once more, “It only appears that way dear.” The thorn held tight to my innermost parts, but He kindly cut away until it fell to the floor. So I grieved....and the women around me grieved with me, in silence and prayer. Most not even knowing what or why I was grieving. But the fragrant gift of silence the Spirit offered us all, left us in a room filled with raw heavenly expanse. The sweet story of the women at the grave of Jesus kept brushing up against my soul. That there they stood weeping and staring at an empty tomb, confused and disoriented. There was no understanding to be found! The promise had been so Alive, for so long, for these faithful women who spent much time in His divine presence, but now had appeared to be dead. The tomb that once held the promise was now empty. He was gone from that place. He was no longer where He was for all those years before. He had departed and there they stood bewildered; mystified at how and why all of this had happened as it had. So they wept and they mourned and they let every raw emotion fill the space between their lungs; as if they had known it was a necessary part of the process. Death and mourning precede resurrection; and Glory can be found woven throughout the thread of the entire process. So as I gazed down at my open wound, now missing the very thorn with which the skin had been held in tact for so very long, I wept. I felt. I painfully rejoiced in my utter uncertainty. I recognized that He was no longer there. He had moved; I didn’t know where. I guess as I stood there I even began to wonder if there was ever anything there at all. But quickly His gentle, loving hand moved in and massaged my heart with the reassurance that this is not about whether He was ever there; He was and I knew it! I had seen too much, heard too much and experienced too much of Him there to deny it! This was simply a time to mourn the loss of what was for so long His work space, and was now no longer. He thoughtfully revisited Abraham and Isaac with me, revealing a much more profound perspective. “Sarah I am right here and I was right there too. There is a reason you cannot make out within your own mind, that which I tell my children for a time one thing and then at a time of my knowing, I exchange it with something new. I desire for them to follow me no matter where I go. However they can get too attached to what I once said, and they will tend not hear what I am saying now. Imagine if Abraham argued with Me at the top of the mountain, “But You said this, I must do this, it must be this way. Because I am certain You said this.” As if he believed that this one Word from Me was the end all be all for his life; as if it were the measure of his entire relationship with Me. As if this happening just as he thought it would was somehow linked to who I was in his life. What if he was so bent on having and doing it right in his mind that this became the objective, and he missed or even rejected Me saying something new to him. Something like, hey don’t kill your son Abraham.” 

 Why are so many of us uncomfortable with this? With God saying in one moment one thing and then at another moment something completely different? I think it reveals to us our greatest fear; that we do not have God figured out. That we truly do not have the knowledge of the Tree of Good and Evil, and that, if we are honest, we hesitate to believe that the Tree of Life is enough for us. Our desire to give all things meaning sometimes overwhelms our ability to just be wherever He is. Because the beauty of all of these stories from the bible and our lives, is that God is in something new and more Glorious than the place He had first been encountered. It does not negate or minimize the previous encounter but it moves our perspective into a more remarkable encounter ahead. The retreat was so symbolic of how His healing works, He performed the surgery, mourned with me as He healed me, and then quietly invited me over to be washed by His merciful hands. As if to meet me where I stood and offer Himself once more as a sacrifice for my life, my sin, my pain and my struggle. And so in the moonlight of the night beneath all His creation, bare and vulnerable I entered the water and let Him wash over me.  As I let my gaze move toward Him, willing to follow Him into the new places we would go, He quietly knelt down and continued washing away the fear, the doubt, the shame, the embarrassment, the judgement and the worry that was tied to where we had been.....setting me free to enter the new space with more joy, and trust and faith and awareness than I had ever known. You are so so good Healer, Father, Redeemer, Friend and Companion. I will go where you go and I will relent that when the moon seems to be following me home that maybe, just maybe it only appears that way....I will trust that the Son will rise with each new day to meet me when I wake with a new and more Glorious breath of Life. I will continue to fill my life to the brim with the water, but I will leave the wine making up to You....

Rest In Him sweet, sweet journeymen!!!

B.E.L.I.E.V....

As I stood in the kitchen at my sink this late afternoon, I felt the sun peeking over the top of the house next door; its radiance poured out over me and I felt loved. Not in a way words could explain, but in a familiar fashion that only the heart can translate. The whisper of wind floating in the trees as I looked out and saw with certainty that You’re not finished yet with this situation; as of now I must accept that Your word still stands. I heard You speak and yet I have doubted and argued and fought those words with each glimpse of their impossibility. But I always end up here...sure that this is what I was told. So even as my soul screams for freedom from the vow I’ve taken to believe, indeed I must do just that!  Not just to believe where it’s easy or for what I chose, but to believe in things I do not find happiness or understanding. And the sunlight catches my eye once more and I am taken by the sheer joy Your presence brings me. This is life as You meant it! If only I could stay here all the days and simply forget what awaits my emotions as the world around me finds it way back into my consciousness. For it was just the other day I sat with You and a friend on that beautiful green sofa and cried bitter tears of anguish and called out to You, “I need You to cut this string or secure it with two others; that it may not be easily broken. I am not strong enough, alone, to carry the weight of what I have been asked. My mind is tortured as I watch the charade being bought and sold, time and time again. As if we are all blind and dumb to the truth. I just want to be set free from the tie that binds my soul to those words I heard You speak so clearly.” My cries went on, “Father, have I not done all that You have asked, do I not live in Your presence and for Your story? Then please show me; release me from this! Tell me I was wrong, my pride does not find a purpose here; being wrong would cost me less. I need Your peace to leave and I beg You, relentlessly, to set me free.” And so it began, You answered my prayer with two more strings. I may never know this side of Heaven why You told me these words but I know I trust Your wisdom in the matter and just ask that You would Hold me close and bring me more of You. My understanding is not like Yours and I long to find You in every breath my lungs inhale. So if I must stay here longer, then I beg Your presence becomes overwhelming and my intimacy with You contented; that I may know You more. It is in this moment in the sun that I see Your answers.....The words exchanged before my ears so that I may hear and listen again. The dreams that haunt my sleep that I may rise and pray again. The strength that is passed to me from your precious flock that I may speak and believe again....and so once more I will stand and I will believe! With no agenda, with no desired outcome, with nothing to gain or lose...just a dependency on You that will survive whichever outcome lays in store!  

It wasn’t until I sat down to write that I began to recognize the inspiration our window exchange had left me with.....I walked away lead to create and as I sat it all just began to flow, much like when We write together Lord. It came quickly and naturally. As I spelled out BELIEVE and painted it onto the canvas, I saw I had no room left for the final “E”. Right there in the panic of how to salvage all that had already been put into this creation, a masterpiece was birthed. In my miscalculation of the edge, I began to see something there in this work of art that I had neither planned nor anticipated. I thought it was over and instead it was just beginning. Here is what was made....

Something beautiful always happens when we are willing to Believe....

Dog biscuits do not contain magnets....

The title must bring about some sort of inquisition for you. So let me fill you in; it is three separate stories that all have come together for one...God is good! The other day I had gone out to my car and at some point realized my drivers side tire was flat. To which my response was a simple smile and joke between God and I about Hibdon tires. I candidly whispered to Him, “yeah, we are do for another visit to the office.”  Then I smiled inwardly to myself because, you see, every time I have gone to Hibdons over the past four years I have had an amazing interaction with one of His children and it never fails! So I didn’t panic as I knew it was coming and honestly with some excitement I got into my car and drove very slowly on my flat (I know bad idea, but I was sure God was gonna get me there safely....after all I had an appointment). I drove with sheer anticipation going 20mph the whole way :)

 So as I arrived at Hibdons with my books in tow preparing for a long visit. I bought four tires and sat down to read. I took an initial scan of the guests but no one particularly stood out so I simply prayed, asking God to have His way and went on to read Matthew in my message bible. As they had pulled my car in, I saw them start working on it and took the opportunity to pause and look around for any possible eye contact, but none. So back to reading I went; oddly enough as I see them finishing up my car, at precisely the Right moment, a man sits down next to me and says, “Are you reading the bible?” My eyes look up upon a tall man of middle eastern decent. There was a spark in his eyes and as I replied, “yes”, he said, “that is very good, very good.” Trying to contain a joyful smile he asked, “What part are you in?” To which I said, “The new testament; Matthew.” I went on saying, “You know I can read this book year after year and I am blown away by all the new things it reveals to me each and every time I pick it up.” He nodded his head as if in complete agreement and gently said, “I feel the same way about the Koran.”  He continued, “There is always more between the lines that God wants to show us.” We sat and spoke of God. We talked of how the endless search for worth and money has left our people heavy and burdened; but that a relationship with God could cure it all. We pondered why it is so hard to teach people this and how you cannot force ones eyes to be opened, ears to be cleared, or hearts to be receptive. But how once you’ve seen, heard or experienced Him, you just want to share all of the gifts He has poured out on your life with every man and woman. I explained that relationship with God seems so intangible to people and that this is why I thought it was so hard to offer that gift to others.  To which he replied with a quite humorous but very true metaphor. He said, “I would argue that God is tangible, He leaves a trail on our lives and on all creation that shows He has been there,” He said, “and it is a tangible trail.” He started the metaphor, “It is like a camel in the desert, they are hard to catch a glimpse of as the dirt blows and camouflages their coats as they blend so well with the sand, and so long after the camel has gone, whether you ever saw him there or not there is a trail, a trail of his poop is left behind and so you can be certain a camel was there.” He said, “I think God leaves a trail too, in our lives and if we look closely we will see that it is indeed there and is very tangible.” I pretty much loved him for comparing Camel poo to God’s trail in our life, but the point was true. I knew I could indeed find tangible places where God had moved through my life, and he in his.

 We concluded with a comparison of the gifts of the ruler of this world, we both knew him as satan, to the gifts from the ruler of the Kingdom, God. And he left me with this thought. He said, “When we acquire the gifts if this world (i.e. really anything monetary or material), we have the hardest time sharing them. There may be a select few people we choose to share with, but we certainly don’t naturally go offering them to a perfect stranger. However the gifts of God we cannot help but want to share with everyone.” I said, “Perhaps it is because subconsciously we recognize that there is an abundance of one where there is never enough of the other. The other will never fill you, no matter how much you gain you intrinsically know it will not be enough; it cannot be enough. And so you have none to spare for a brother or sister. But with Gods gifts, love, joy, peace, kindness....there is a never ending supply and you naturally want others to share in it with you. It feels right when you share them and really,  really good. There is enough to go around.” Within our final words he said, “ We can never completely understand Him; He is God and we are not, but we can have relationship with Him which is enough and probably all we could handle.” I simply walked away in awe of God and His ways which I can never fully understand; even when I think I have the perfect grasp I realize in humility I do not know at all. But I always have a relationship with Him and that warms my soul and fills me completely. 

So the day goes on and the following morning I arrive at Holy Yoga, where a dear friend of mine is stepping into teaching and this was her first class. The message she decided on was the Wisdom of God stemming from the story of Job; which if you have read it really shakes one’s understanding of God and of God’s relationship with satan and the choices made for our lives...lots there! But mostly it expresses how little we really understand about God and that we cannot truly question it because we don’t posses the capacity to process the answer. There were no right answers among the friends who came to speak to Job, and even Job had it all wrong. None of them had it figured out and none of them truly understood what was going on, even though some tried to convince themselves they did. God did not intend us to understand Him, just to be with Him. Just to love Him and trust His judgement and guidance for our steps. We struggle to understand, we try to explain...all of us do it! Because it makes us feel better or more safe or closer to God; like if we box Him in then we will never be shocked, surprised, or hurt. Now we all know logically this is absurd but we still do it. He has never asked that of us; trying to understand Him completely. He has simply said, “You my child can trust Me.” We try to make sense of His movement in our lives; and it is an ongoing process to relinquish our own understanding and rest in His. It boils back down to trusting in who He is, and what He has said, and believing in the availability of your relationship with Him. And the security that this is enough! That you do not need to understand to believe and live fully in Him!

Our cars and our houses are purposed to contain us, but they cannot and neither can we contain an understanding of God. He is free, He is everywhere, He is a mystery, He is beautiful, He is loving. But mostly He is available; all the time, in every moment, in all things! So the last story brings us back to the title. I was meeting with a dear friend hashing through some of the struggles I had and surrendering to the fact that I truly had no idea exactly what God was up to. That I have had moments of discernment along the way but far from a complete picture about why I am where I am with certain promises He has whispered to me. Things I don’t want or want to do but cannot shake the constant message that indeed this is what He is asking. And so I get up to go to the restroom and as I sat down I see a tiny, folded up piece of paper in the corner on the floor. And I focus in on it and it seems to have writing on the inside. So I reach for it and as I unfold it I read, in bold print as if from a manufacturer,  “DOG BISCUITS DO NOT CONTAIN MAGNETS.” I thought, huh!?!?!?! That doesn’t even make sense at all, but I knew God had wanted me to find that little piece of paper and so I stuck it in my purse and rested knowing, or rather hoping, He would eventually explian. So later that night, I typed into google “dog biscuits do not contain magnets”. The article that came up was funny to me and spoke about anthropomorphizing (ascribing human characteristics to a non-human). Hmmm.... isn’t this exactly what we do to God. When as far as we know, He does not think, live or breath like us. I have had a long hard walk of trying to figure out why things have happened in my life. Not understanding why He asks me to do one thing and not to do others. Why this and why that; oh and of course the moments when I thought I had it all figured out.... what I have come to discover is I am not God. We cannot attribute our qualities onto Him and then decide we have it all figured out and lay judgement on the world, or disappointed on Him when it does not play out as we had figured. The truth is that the very best of our thinking is much too simple and much too self serving to be compared to Wisdom of God. The perfect metaphor for trying to understand God is about as clear as DOG BISCUITS DO NOT CONTAIN MAGNETS...I can see it, I can read it, I can comprehend what it is literally saying, I can gather that it means something, but for the life of me I do not claim to understand or have it all figured out  about why this little note was ever printed or what exactly it is saying or how it found its way to my path, but I believe God does! Some of you may think you know, some of you may spend the rest of your life burdened to figure it out and then a few of you will rest and enjoy whatever has been given to you whether good or bad and find fulfillment in simply getting to know the Creator, Designer, Manufacturer, and Keeper of all that you will ever come to see, hear or know! 

p.s. I see God in all of this, linking it all together before me and for His Kingdom. You may not understand or see how I concluded this...but I'll leave the explaining up to HIm, He is always more more equipped to get the intended point across than I...... Rest In Him!

Stories untold....

Sitting here behind this page I realize how very long it has been since I’ve written. But sadly I also sit and recall all the stories I should have told when they were fresh to my soul, instead of buried  behind days of frivolous details that have fogged the glass just enough to have lost their simple clarity. How many stories do we leave untold? I often wonder what comes of story telling, but I have seen and don’t need to question long the answer to this. I mean it is, after all, stories that make our lives. Often stories told in truth and transparency do miraculous things for the lives of others. They give us insight and understanding, compassion and relevance, perspective and coherence, community and comfort, inspiration and connection. They give us reality like none other. Why do you think testimonies are so valuable? They offer a similar taste of a reality we are all trying to grasp onto; not the reality of this world but the reality of the divine that we catch sight of in brief but intoxicating encounters. We are all captivated by stories, no matter our age, gender, disabilities, fears, doubts, insecurities, religion or occupations. Think about it...stories level us out to the same field. Movies are stories; some true, some not, but stories none the less. Books, songs, poems, psalms, the news, scripture, pictures, magazines, and even science; all stories told from one man to another! I acknowledge not all stories are good or true, but all stories intrinsically command an audience and capture our attention. They play on our thoughts, emotions and experiences. They offer us escape, adventure and creativity. A good story will stop people from what they are doing and draw them into contemplative and euphoric states; ones where they have forgotten their troubles and surrendered their responsibilities to briefly partake in the telling of another’s experience with the human condition. Watching, hearing or reading a story from a distance is influential of itself but the straightforward act of asking someone their story will often produce a bond between mankind unlike another.  I live for stories, I have discovered the simple but powerful connection that sharing your story and offering an environment for others to share theirs creates. People want to tell their story, they are dying to be heard and known. This is one of the most beautiful gifts we can offer each other. Let me explain...it makes people feel loved, trusted, significant, human if you will... I do not always hand a homeless person five dollars but instead stop what I am doing to sit and exchange stories with them. Whether true stories or not, these stories need to be heard and should be told. It is no matter of the accuracy as much the simple act of saying I will listen...I am not here to fix or mend, judge or correct, analyze or argue; but instead to offer you a basic human need..an ear to be attentive to your story. Our stories can and frequently will be skewed, but not to fret, this does not alter the transaction...because ultimately when we listen to a story we will only glean that which survives our analytical and bruised perspective. I can learn from a lie and I can learn from truth, because ultimately it all will fall on the table of my understanding and view of things before it reaches my heart. This I would argue is why stories are told, because we all do not have eyes that see the same, ears that hear the same or hearts that receive the same.

  I stumbled upon this story about stories in my message bible and love its simplicity. Matthew writes that the disciples approached Jesus and asked “Why do you tell stories?” He answers, “You’ve been given insight into God’s Kingdom. You know how it works. Not everybody has this gift, this insight; it hasn’t been given to them. Whenever someone has a ready heart for this, the insights and understandings flow freely. But if there is no readiness, any trace of receptivity soon disappears. That’s why I tell stories; to create readiness, to nudge the people toward receptive insight...”

  My gathering from this is that the transaction of story telling alone does something profound in the hearts of others; whether or not we agree is irrelevant, whether or not we have an epiphany instantly is irrelevant, whether or not we understand completely is irrelevant...story telling in itself is creating a posture for insight and readiness. I know I have told stories and the eyes across from me have said, yeah right. But I also know those same eyes have flickered with a what if... It isn’t my job to dissect the story and explain with certainty and precision what each piece unequivocally means. I tell the story setting it free to offer whatever it will to the audience. I don’t have control and so I do not try to control it. I do not have perfect understanding so I do not try to make them understand it perfectly. I do not know what they are gleaning and so I do not try to tell them what to glean...no it is a loving and free exchange of a story I found along my journey; there is beauty and purity and lessons and morals and hidden meanings and powerful messages waiting to be unfurled before the eyes, ears and hearts of the listeners. But I cannot wait to tell my stories for certainty that this is true or in order to teach what I find important; no instead I must speak and find the freedom that awaits my soul in the willingness to offer my raw, unfinished, unedited, imperfect, invalidated, but true as I understand them stories. With the willingness to be wrong, to be corrected, to be offensive, to be embarrassed.....So How many stories do we leave untold? Perhaps because we think they do not matter, or because they reveal too much of our selves, or because we assume no one would want to hear them, or we do not want to take the time to tell them? Write your story, speak your story, share your story, record your story, whisper your story, sell your story, sing your story, dance your story, act your story, capture your story, live your story..because you matter and your story may just be the beginning of readiness and receptive insight for a fellow journeyman or even for yourself....

Eyes to see...hands to feel

Words on Paper

Message on my Soul

Everything is beautiful

and everything is a mystery

Hold My Hand

Don’t let go

My soul can’t take another fall

Or perhaps it is exactly what I need

Guess I don’t truly know

But it’s terrifying

The risk has always been worth it

that is what I’d say

But standing in front of the prospect of the familiar pain

I would try to turn and run

Run where? Who knows?

What is the point really?

Everything I hope for comes from You

and You are everywhere

So where would I run 

But into Your arms once again

To Rest and Know

Your Love remains

The Love I desire and thrive on

comes from Your touch alone

So Hold My Hand

Don’t let go

“Don’t panic” You whisper, “I am with you,

I’ll give you strength”

“I’ll help you ~ keep you steady;

keep a firm grip on you”

And then I see

my eyes are opened

Wide Open

and the Light floods in

And then I feel 

My hand in Yours

Don’t let go

I won’t...

vous êtes assez parce qu'il est assez...

Will it be enough? Do you ever find yourself asking this? I do, probably more than most. I guess its the feeling of not being enough, having enough, knowing enough and on and on and on..... In the quietness of my soul I listened the other day and heard Him whisper, “Who gave you your ability Sarah? Did you give it unto yourself?” And so I lined up all the things that I feel gifted with and held them up to the light and asked myself what exactly I believed about it all. I started with counsel. Well, here is one I knew God gave me. Because I never ever feel prepared or like I am enough to sit before a human heart  and help them find the healing He has planned. I know I need Him for this! I know I am not enough, but what I forget is that everything He has given me up to this moment, sitting before one of His precious children, is enough and He will always do the rest. So dare I say to each of you, “What He has already given you will be enough, even  and especially when you are sure you are not enough!” How does that settle? Hard to believe? Hard to not run back to all the things you are not. Why is it that we find comfort in what we are not, but never in what we are? I would argue that in His infinite wisdom He knew this would draw us to Him; His will and His purpose. I need Him to counsel, I am only part of what He has already done. So lets move on to the more obscure. Lets take writing....I never knew I would write. My mom would say she probably knew, but I did not. All of my writings were private! But one day it was like an idea dying to escape my mind and all that I could do was fall and let my hands speak through little black buttons on a keyboard. I look back often and learn from my own writing. Often wondering where on earth those words came from. But I do not wonder long; those who wonder are not always lost. I know He was inspiring me! I never practiced writing formally, never went to a school for writing; just simply found that He had placed it deep within me from an early age! I am always moved by what He does with these stories and my broken soul! I am honored to write. I am not great at grammar, spelling; nor do I claim perfect english or writing knowledge. But yet I write as if I know I am not enough and He never fails to quicken my heart and provide the content for the page. So onto Yoga; where counsel, writing and worship collide! This one I struggle with. After all I have studied for years, I have gained certifications and attended the conferences. I mean didn’t I do this? I have stood before my class confident and prepared to teach. And until recently I thought I was enough.....When my heart began yearning for more; when I wanted depth in these moments, this is when I didn’t feel like enough...what a familiar lesson I learn...When I am doing His work I do not feel that I am enough, this puts my mind and soul in perspective. I do not dare enter the room without my armor. I am talking of course of something that is no longer about the workout, but about the worship! Who on earth did I think I was to lead worship? Apparently its not who I think I am but who He thinks I am. I am finally empty in this gift; finally sure it is His and not mine! That He brought me to this moment and gave me this heart and this ability and I know I am not enough. But what He has already given me will be enough. My “not much” is plenty if I bring it before Him. In yoga I have learned to slowly fade away into the background, while He moves to the forefront and does it all! Perhaps not being enough is precisely what He had in mind.....When I think of the gift of Love that He has placed so deep inside my being; I know I am not enough to love as He has loved. I know because I resist from time to time. When my pride insists they do not deserve forgiveness or mercy or grace.... but despite me He loves through me. I feel it rise from the inside out; I can no longer see the old person just the new standing before me and a love I cannot describe from within does stir. Their trespasses fade and the current moment floods my eyes;  I see hope and a future that is beautiful and promises healing and freedom for us both!  

As God would have designed a world that is upside down from what we have created or come to accept...when you feel your least; He can make you His best...when you feel your weakest; He can make you His bravest warrior...when you are afraid to jump; He can make you fly....when you feel something has died; He can restore it to life! I have never been so afraid to dream again and yet never so excited for what He can do with this in me. Something in me had died last year and here it has had a new awakening. Its as if with the arrival of spring came new life...new courage....new direction....new adventure....new freedom! His love is amazing indeed! As the brash wave of winter has dissipated from my soul with the dormant branches slowly inhaling deeply of their former vitality. What an inspiring picture of resurrection He has painted over nature; the dead springing into life, but not just any life...New life. A New name has been given to you my Beloved; one that will remain through all seasons. May I allure your heart back unto  Myself as I bring you back to life! Breathe... just Breathe and know I Am God! The ruler of this world cannot stop the seasons from changing, and new life from arising......

Pen to Paper...You to Me....

There are moments like eternity that consume my thoughts. As I sat pondering within this precious heart of mine all that You have placed so deep; I stumble upon the all to familiar desire...the one that has outlasted every point in my journey. The desire to write...I live and breathe stories. Words on the page...across my lips....to my ears, past my heart...it is Your gift placed deep within my soul! It is my measure of all that You do. I get lost in the breath of the spirit as I write; when I look back upon what the paper now reads I am in awe because I see it was not me at all. I learn from my own writing, simply because I am not writing but instead opening up to YOU and becoming a conduit for Your inspiration. Words on paper can be meaningless but they also can be heaven breathed and inspiring. May the words never stop flowing through my fragile human hands and may Your Spirit always find me surrendered to this gift You have bestowed upon my soul! The early morning hours welcome me into Your creativity; a space and a time to write. A time to explore all that carries on throughout my day, my night and within my thoughts, desires and sleepy dreams. You are a God who speaks and I praise You that my ears have heard, my eyes have seen and my heart knows....but mostly that my hands write and my lips speak of all You have done for me. 

The last year has been such a place of finding You are not simply what I think You are; 

You are a mystery....You are an adventure...You are a surprise birthday party....You are the same but You change me with every breath. I long for more, Lord. I do not want to fall away from Your gaze for one second. I want to be lost in what You are making me. So very lost that only through You can I ever be found, can I ever stop wondering, can I be still and know... 

The contents of my heart are known to You, the Love I have overflows as I watch the design You have taken on Your creation. I hear the whisper for this moment; I have not lost it....Micah 6:8 “He has shown each man what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with Your God.” May I trust You more each day with the hearts and stories of others as I equally rest knowing my story is Yours as well. May I be humble in knowing I do not know.... May I trust the unknown into Your precious hands once more and simply act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with You Lord. You are the author of my story may I live and write in that awareness; may the world become the background and this the reality I dwell in. I place my heart in Your hands knowing to be still as You continue to reveal the capacity for love; the perfect love that You meant when You breathed Your promises into my soul. 

A parable for you

   As a small child, he was given a beautiful balloon for his gift. He loved this balloon and he held tightly on to its string. Every year thereafter he would go out and get himself another balloon; all were different in shape, size and splendor. Each held a place and meaning to him. He held these balloons everywhere he went; never setting one down for fear of loosing it. There came a day when he was standing on a hill admiring all of his balloons that a great and silent gust of wind came up and swept the balloons from his hand. As the balloons slipped away he kept his focus on each one as long as he possibly could until they simply vanished into the big blue sky. When he could no longer see them, he saw instead just how vast that sky was, that consumed his balloons. How blue and crisp it appeared; how the clouds danced upon its canvas and how the birds manipulated the air to create flight. He felt the gentle breeze brush across his cheek. Standing in awe so long it soon became night and the sun left its mark upon the sky as it quietly departed. A mark that left him speechless and overcome with emotion. But before he could catch his breath the stars arrived and lit up the night with a perfect brilliance. He gazed on as it changed; constellations slowly taking their course on this midnight backdrop. And then the sun came again and the man turned to walk home with tears streaming down his face. Every sense had come to life...

  He could smell the bread baking and coffee brewing. He could see the faces and the hearts of the men and women in his community. He could hear the laughter and laugh. Hear the mourning and cry. Hear the concern and offer encouragement. With his free hands he partook of the bustle he was now submerged within. Holding open doors, lifting boxes, shaking hands, hugging the broken, seeing and engaging his civilization for the very first time. And as he finally arrived at his doorstep, he breathed deeply and crossed the thresh hold and thought to himself~ “Finally, I am alive!”

The Story Behind the Photo...

So here goes…as many of you know, Davyn and I have not had our own house in over 2 years now. There have been so many seasons during all of this; seasons of doubt, seasons of fear, seasons of weariness, seasons of pain, seasons of surrender, seasons of humility, seasons of growth and seasons of undeniable joy! It has been a freeing way to live in some breaths and a binding way in others. Ultimately I wouldn’t change the past few years for anything. I have seen so much more of God and come to know Him in ways that no other situation could have brought forth so beautifully. I’ve seen His love deeper, clearer and more intensely….and Davyn’s capacity to trust Him has often blown me away and over and over again ignites the awareness that it has all been worth it! Needless to say it has been a steady climb with equally powerful glimpses of breathtaking views and treacherous ascents.


So here we are…as many of you may not know, we had stumbled upon a house a few weeks ago that just captured our hearts. And so many details just began to fall into place with no effort. I kept telling myself do not get attached to an outcome; but despite myself I was imagining decorating and filling this house with people and love and a yoga studio and a room for Davyn. We chatted of the color she would paint her room and I took a gander at every thrift store creating a design with all the furniture I found. We found out we were eligible for a large grant towards the purchase, my mother was sending a gift for a down payment, my last landlord who is also a realtor was placed directly in my path with oodles of helpful information, the school district for Davyn specialized in art and stringed instruments (she wants to play the violin), and so, on and on the details seemed to fit. I reminded myself of Gods great providence and love and I knew he could give us this house if He desired to…and boy was I praying for it! With all the snow we had seen here in Oklahoma, things were being postponed, but finally this past Monday I made it to the bank to get preapproved. We needed the bank to loan us around $50,000.00. The young lady that helped me with the process was a delight and told me as soon as she heard from the underwriter she would let me know. On Tuesday when my phone rang, I heard it in her voice and she sweetly said, “We cannot help you at this time, you simply do not make enough money.” I thanked her and said goodbye! I just sat in silence for a bit and took note of the first few thoughts that came to mind; and just as quickly as they came I began to battle them in the quiet confines of this cell I now sat in spiritually. The first thought was for Davyn, just not wanting to see disappointment on her face. I could get lost in thoughts for her; for all I have sacrificed she has along side of me also surrendered! The second was what those who have watched me serve the Lord would think of Him in this situation; logically I knew I could not control this, but none the less there it was and its ugly insinuations seeping into the depths of my mind! Then the roughest blow, the feeling of an unanswered prayer, once more… I told myself, this isn’t the end; God can still bring you this house, all the while fighting back tears. It wasn’t long before I was indeed overcome and just fell to the floor and cried from the deepest place in my soul! I was so disappointed, so hurt and so aware of His hand in all of it…but so broken hearted at this conclusion. As I wept uncontrollably, the strangest awareness came over me; it had been 9 or 10 long months since I had wept in His arms like this and although I wanted to resist the pain, I couldn’t help but thank Him for drawing me so much more near to Him through this defeat, in this moment. As my mind swept over my journey with Him I could see that these were indeed the greatest moments of freedom, of growth, of knowing Him, of revelation….and here on my knees I would praise and thank Him for them, because without these trials I may not have come to know Him at all! I finally was experiencing that illusive notion of praise during trial; and it was in spite of my flesh, it was without my effort to create praise as an obligatory response. It was raw, pure, and Spirit led worship; there on the floor of my soul. And so His careful revelation and comfort would begin to embrace my heart and mind; I am thankful that I no longer have to stay so long in that place before He captures my gaze and takes my hands in His hands, raising my eyes to His and lets me see Him there with me…

My heart still ached but was now soft and open to what He wanted me to catch sight of….and so tenderly He led me by the hand into His lovely telling of the story. He would counsel me through many other voices, I would hear a resounding message; one that was being brought to me days before I found out about the loan. I saw how He was preparing me ahead of time. The message was “I AM enough for you, Sarah. Even here, in this moment of disappointment, I WILL be enough for you, sweet Sarah. You will rise up from the floor knowing and trusting and loving me more. I WILL free you from whatever lies your mind has hidden away for precisely this moment, and from any wounds that lay dormant in your soul that now, in this moment I see fit to draw away from you. I AM leading you closer to Me and freeing you more from yourself.”

I could rest there…that was good! But as I went into my webinar for Holy Yoga that night, He continued to reveal Himself to me. I had not read through the scripture page yet that week, and here I sat reading it now. As the class began, He drew my gaze to a statement that would fill me with absolute love and assurance. As I received it He said, “Sarah My desires for you are far greater than your desires for yourself. Will you trust me here; after years of waiting, after unforeseen hardships, after uncertainty, disappointments and setbacks? Will you still accept My promises to you and My direction for this story? Will you take your place in this story and let Me take Mine?” And all I could say was, “Yes, Lord, I will! You are enough for me!”

So this story is not so much about a house, as it is about a home… He is Our Home! And the gifts He gives are always greater than the gifts we wish to receive. I wanted a house….He gave me a home; one that will never fall apart, or need repairs. One that is free of charge and can go with me anywhere! So whenever He gives us a house, I can bring my home into it for all to share….I trust You, Lord! Thank You for Your perfect Grace….

Release...

I stare up at the fan silently cutting through the warm air this strange winter day delivers and I wonder how this moment rushed upon me so suddenly. How this flood of emotion came forward and settled on my soul…The spring air stirs such fire in my heart…and I become well acquainted with why He gave us seasons. And well aware of why He gives us promises. I listened as the Spirit spoke into my heart today, “the words of my promise once more”…with hollow resistance I wearily sank into surrender all over again. But what a gift today’s invite was, what a place of reenergizing passion for Him; for His presence. As I revisited the story of sweet Mary, once more the verse I love dove off the page and directly into my chest; capturing my breath and my undivided attention. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19


This young girl has been invited on the adventure of a lifetime. With little understanding of the sacrifice and pain to come she sits quietly, pondering within her heart. Quietly surrendered to being wherever God was, no matter what it would cost her. Have you ever felt so certain God had given you a promise that no matter what you tried you always found yourself pondering it in your heart? Knowing that only God could accomplish such things and deeply, blindly, restlessly grateful to be asked to join Him in the fulfillment. The last few days have brought to me the same message, again and again. Staying in God’s presence no matter where that may be is what matters. He is not as concerned with our circumstances as He is with where we remain in the middle of it all. He wants us to be with Him. Here we see this young girl, faced with an inexplicable situation; a promise no one could understand or even believe. Facing the possible rejection of her betrothed, facing the pain of child birth, facing what seemed impossible and instead of panic she treasures it all …I know this is possible only because she is in His presence which surpasses all of the fear, doubt and panic. She knows this promise was made to her by her Lord and she silences every other noise in order to rest in the simplicity of Him and His peace. The testament of our promise is not so much the moment of fulfillment as the surrender of whatever it costs to get there; that we would choose to be where He was in our lives instead of where we think we ought to be. So I treasure it Lord, and I ponder in my heart all the promises You have breathed into my core. I look back at all the pain, the doubt, the fear and recognize Your love; Your presence available whenever I wished to rest in it. In this passage, Mary makes it seem so lovely, so simple, so obvious….but I have found that I resist for reasons unknown to my conscious self. I was driving the other day and felt an ache run up my shoulder; I shifted and adjusted trying to comfort myself when the gentle whisper brushed across my heart, “Sarah lean your head back into my hands, just stay in the comfort of My Presence.” And as I did the pain dulled and I began to wonder playfully in my mind of how precious a gift His presence is. But despite myself, as if waking up from a dream where I had no control, I would find myself repetitiously leaning forward and trying to fix the pain myself. I had to practice leaning my head back into His hands over and over. But profoundly every time, no matter how many moments that I left His hands, He would welcome me back and offer me peace. It is not because my heart is noble that I stay here, but because I have come to know Your Love so well that I cannot rationalize existing anywhere but there. My cost is worth it to be a part of Your Story Lord….please remind me moment by moment of this….may Our journey be an adventure unlike any other and may it challenge every fiber that You’ve woven together into the creation called me in order that I see the promises You’ve written into my story come to pass. I chose to trust You and stay with You; I surrender all of me; I believe even if it costs me all that I know….

Stories

It was one of those mornings where you felt the undeniable nudge of God. He was asking for this day, for the thoughts and the intentions; not even to begin to plan it out for myself, but instead to simply lean into the Spirit and let Him lead. It didn’t take much to convince me, I had been longing for such a day only a few breathes before...So I got into my car conversing with Him about all that had been on my mind and all that had been troubling my spirit. I plainly remember a dull ache rising from my heart as I stumbled upon a rather odd query. I was discussing with Him, people and how we all connect and I was revealing how lovely it is to just sit and listen as others tell their stories. Those moments captivate my mind and heart as I take in this person and their story. As I watch their mannerisms and quirks and hear their voice fluctuate with emotion behind each word and each remembrance of their account. Seeing their uniqueness, beauty, strengths, and gifts, buried below the wounds, the fears, the makeup, the clothes, the job….all the social baggage. Finding resounding joy in the effortless miracle that they are. Enjoying navigating with them through the arrival into this instant we find ourselves in, as we freely exchange our stories. It is beautiful and I thank God for it. Before I could even accept what was happening, I felt my stomach drop and my breath shallow. The dull ache full force now, I realized I wanted to cry….

“God you and I never exchange these stories. I speak of mine to You, but know You are not like me in this, that You need my ear in order to process this world You have created. For Lord, You do not sit me down and tell me of Your day; of Your struggles, Your disappointments, and Your journey. I cannot watch as Your eyes light up with enthusiasm as You tell of Your loves. I cannot listen as You describe the pain You feel when You lose a love.”


I cannot explain precisely why this hurt my heart so much as it did. But it could be that Him who I love most does not speak to me like this. Perhaps it was just the wakefulness that friendship is about these conversations and begged the question ‘did this imply that we are not friends at all?’ My mind wrestled with it all and I was left stripped and searching for His whisper to capture me back from this place my thoughts had briefly whisked me to…ah…and there it was. It came rushing into my soul with a single hot tear that streaked down my cheek. “Sarah, you are My story. Every persons story you listen to, this is Me. This is My story. Every man’s hurt, joy, trial, celebration, fall, rise, tragedy, escape, miracle, loss, fear and feat….this is My story.” Light flooded me and I could breathe deeply once more…and what a beautiful message it was! What a gift to befall me this day! This is such a hopeful and precious idea; That I can find the Story I long for; God’s very story, with each detail and fingerprint, in mans story. I can know Him more because I know His story; all its parts! I may listen with an ear like a child, seeking to see the depths of God in man. Seeing His heart and soul in every single story my ears are granted the opportunity to delight in. Doesn’t it bring perspective…


“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’


“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ (Matthew 25:35-40)


His story is being played out in every direction you can look; May each of you simply look and see…..and find Him there! I love you all so much; thank you for making my life rich with stories…


Rest In Him! Sarah G



His Story is still being written...