The Story Behind the Photo...

So here goes…as many of you know, Davyn and I have not had our own house in over 2 years now. There have been so many seasons during all of this; seasons of doubt, seasons of fear, seasons of weariness, seasons of pain, seasons of surrender, seasons of humility, seasons of growth and seasons of undeniable joy! It has been a freeing way to live in some breaths and a binding way in others. Ultimately I wouldn’t change the past few years for anything. I have seen so much more of God and come to know Him in ways that no other situation could have brought forth so beautifully. I’ve seen His love deeper, clearer and more intensely….and Davyn’s capacity to trust Him has often blown me away and over and over again ignites the awareness that it has all been worth it! Needless to say it has been a steady climb with equally powerful glimpses of breathtaking views and treacherous ascents.


So here we are…as many of you may not know, we had stumbled upon a house a few weeks ago that just captured our hearts. And so many details just began to fall into place with no effort. I kept telling myself do not get attached to an outcome; but despite myself I was imagining decorating and filling this house with people and love and a yoga studio and a room for Davyn. We chatted of the color she would paint her room and I took a gander at every thrift store creating a design with all the furniture I found. We found out we were eligible for a large grant towards the purchase, my mother was sending a gift for a down payment, my last landlord who is also a realtor was placed directly in my path with oodles of helpful information, the school district for Davyn specialized in art and stringed instruments (she wants to play the violin), and so, on and on the details seemed to fit. I reminded myself of Gods great providence and love and I knew he could give us this house if He desired to…and boy was I praying for it! With all the snow we had seen here in Oklahoma, things were being postponed, but finally this past Monday I made it to the bank to get preapproved. We needed the bank to loan us around $50,000.00. The young lady that helped me with the process was a delight and told me as soon as she heard from the underwriter she would let me know. On Tuesday when my phone rang, I heard it in her voice and she sweetly said, “We cannot help you at this time, you simply do not make enough money.” I thanked her and said goodbye! I just sat in silence for a bit and took note of the first few thoughts that came to mind; and just as quickly as they came I began to battle them in the quiet confines of this cell I now sat in spiritually. The first thought was for Davyn, just not wanting to see disappointment on her face. I could get lost in thoughts for her; for all I have sacrificed she has along side of me also surrendered! The second was what those who have watched me serve the Lord would think of Him in this situation; logically I knew I could not control this, but none the less there it was and its ugly insinuations seeping into the depths of my mind! Then the roughest blow, the feeling of an unanswered prayer, once more… I told myself, this isn’t the end; God can still bring you this house, all the while fighting back tears. It wasn’t long before I was indeed overcome and just fell to the floor and cried from the deepest place in my soul! I was so disappointed, so hurt and so aware of His hand in all of it…but so broken hearted at this conclusion. As I wept uncontrollably, the strangest awareness came over me; it had been 9 or 10 long months since I had wept in His arms like this and although I wanted to resist the pain, I couldn’t help but thank Him for drawing me so much more near to Him through this defeat, in this moment. As my mind swept over my journey with Him I could see that these were indeed the greatest moments of freedom, of growth, of knowing Him, of revelation….and here on my knees I would praise and thank Him for them, because without these trials I may not have come to know Him at all! I finally was experiencing that illusive notion of praise during trial; and it was in spite of my flesh, it was without my effort to create praise as an obligatory response. It was raw, pure, and Spirit led worship; there on the floor of my soul. And so His careful revelation and comfort would begin to embrace my heart and mind; I am thankful that I no longer have to stay so long in that place before He captures my gaze and takes my hands in His hands, raising my eyes to His and lets me see Him there with me…

My heart still ached but was now soft and open to what He wanted me to catch sight of….and so tenderly He led me by the hand into His lovely telling of the story. He would counsel me through many other voices, I would hear a resounding message; one that was being brought to me days before I found out about the loan. I saw how He was preparing me ahead of time. The message was “I AM enough for you, Sarah. Even here, in this moment of disappointment, I WILL be enough for you, sweet Sarah. You will rise up from the floor knowing and trusting and loving me more. I WILL free you from whatever lies your mind has hidden away for precisely this moment, and from any wounds that lay dormant in your soul that now, in this moment I see fit to draw away from you. I AM leading you closer to Me and freeing you more from yourself.”

I could rest there…that was good! But as I went into my webinar for Holy Yoga that night, He continued to reveal Himself to me. I had not read through the scripture page yet that week, and here I sat reading it now. As the class began, He drew my gaze to a statement that would fill me with absolute love and assurance. As I received it He said, “Sarah My desires for you are far greater than your desires for yourself. Will you trust me here; after years of waiting, after unforeseen hardships, after uncertainty, disappointments and setbacks? Will you still accept My promises to you and My direction for this story? Will you take your place in this story and let Me take Mine?” And all I could say was, “Yes, Lord, I will! You are enough for me!”

So this story is not so much about a house, as it is about a home… He is Our Home! And the gifts He gives are always greater than the gifts we wish to receive. I wanted a house….He gave me a home; one that will never fall apart, or need repairs. One that is free of charge and can go with me anywhere! So whenever He gives us a house, I can bring my home into it for all to share….I trust You, Lord! Thank You for Your perfect Grace….

Release...

I stare up at the fan silently cutting through the warm air this strange winter day delivers and I wonder how this moment rushed upon me so suddenly. How this flood of emotion came forward and settled on my soul…The spring air stirs such fire in my heart…and I become well acquainted with why He gave us seasons. And well aware of why He gives us promises. I listened as the Spirit spoke into my heart today, “the words of my promise once more”…with hollow resistance I wearily sank into surrender all over again. But what a gift today’s invite was, what a place of reenergizing passion for Him; for His presence. As I revisited the story of sweet Mary, once more the verse I love dove off the page and directly into my chest; capturing my breath and my undivided attention. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19


This young girl has been invited on the adventure of a lifetime. With little understanding of the sacrifice and pain to come she sits quietly, pondering within her heart. Quietly surrendered to being wherever God was, no matter what it would cost her. Have you ever felt so certain God had given you a promise that no matter what you tried you always found yourself pondering it in your heart? Knowing that only God could accomplish such things and deeply, blindly, restlessly grateful to be asked to join Him in the fulfillment. The last few days have brought to me the same message, again and again. Staying in God’s presence no matter where that may be is what matters. He is not as concerned with our circumstances as He is with where we remain in the middle of it all. He wants us to be with Him. Here we see this young girl, faced with an inexplicable situation; a promise no one could understand or even believe. Facing the possible rejection of her betrothed, facing the pain of child birth, facing what seemed impossible and instead of panic she treasures it all …I know this is possible only because she is in His presence which surpasses all of the fear, doubt and panic. She knows this promise was made to her by her Lord and she silences every other noise in order to rest in the simplicity of Him and His peace. The testament of our promise is not so much the moment of fulfillment as the surrender of whatever it costs to get there; that we would choose to be where He was in our lives instead of where we think we ought to be. So I treasure it Lord, and I ponder in my heart all the promises You have breathed into my core. I look back at all the pain, the doubt, the fear and recognize Your love; Your presence available whenever I wished to rest in it. In this passage, Mary makes it seem so lovely, so simple, so obvious….but I have found that I resist for reasons unknown to my conscious self. I was driving the other day and felt an ache run up my shoulder; I shifted and adjusted trying to comfort myself when the gentle whisper brushed across my heart, “Sarah lean your head back into my hands, just stay in the comfort of My Presence.” And as I did the pain dulled and I began to wonder playfully in my mind of how precious a gift His presence is. But despite myself, as if waking up from a dream where I had no control, I would find myself repetitiously leaning forward and trying to fix the pain myself. I had to practice leaning my head back into His hands over and over. But profoundly every time, no matter how many moments that I left His hands, He would welcome me back and offer me peace. It is not because my heart is noble that I stay here, but because I have come to know Your Love so well that I cannot rationalize existing anywhere but there. My cost is worth it to be a part of Your Story Lord….please remind me moment by moment of this….may Our journey be an adventure unlike any other and may it challenge every fiber that You’ve woven together into the creation called me in order that I see the promises You’ve written into my story come to pass. I chose to trust You and stay with You; I surrender all of me; I believe even if it costs me all that I know….

Stories

It was one of those mornings where you felt the undeniable nudge of God. He was asking for this day, for the thoughts and the intentions; not even to begin to plan it out for myself, but instead to simply lean into the Spirit and let Him lead. It didn’t take much to convince me, I had been longing for such a day only a few breathes before...So I got into my car conversing with Him about all that had been on my mind and all that had been troubling my spirit. I plainly remember a dull ache rising from my heart as I stumbled upon a rather odd query. I was discussing with Him, people and how we all connect and I was revealing how lovely it is to just sit and listen as others tell their stories. Those moments captivate my mind and heart as I take in this person and their story. As I watch their mannerisms and quirks and hear their voice fluctuate with emotion behind each word and each remembrance of their account. Seeing their uniqueness, beauty, strengths, and gifts, buried below the wounds, the fears, the makeup, the clothes, the job….all the social baggage. Finding resounding joy in the effortless miracle that they are. Enjoying navigating with them through the arrival into this instant we find ourselves in, as we freely exchange our stories. It is beautiful and I thank God for it. Before I could even accept what was happening, I felt my stomach drop and my breath shallow. The dull ache full force now, I realized I wanted to cry….

“God you and I never exchange these stories. I speak of mine to You, but know You are not like me in this, that You need my ear in order to process this world You have created. For Lord, You do not sit me down and tell me of Your day; of Your struggles, Your disappointments, and Your journey. I cannot watch as Your eyes light up with enthusiasm as You tell of Your loves. I cannot listen as You describe the pain You feel when You lose a love.”


I cannot explain precisely why this hurt my heart so much as it did. But it could be that Him who I love most does not speak to me like this. Perhaps it was just the wakefulness that friendship is about these conversations and begged the question ‘did this imply that we are not friends at all?’ My mind wrestled with it all and I was left stripped and searching for His whisper to capture me back from this place my thoughts had briefly whisked me to…ah…and there it was. It came rushing into my soul with a single hot tear that streaked down my cheek. “Sarah, you are My story. Every persons story you listen to, this is Me. This is My story. Every man’s hurt, joy, trial, celebration, fall, rise, tragedy, escape, miracle, loss, fear and feat….this is My story.” Light flooded me and I could breathe deeply once more…and what a beautiful message it was! What a gift to befall me this day! This is such a hopeful and precious idea; That I can find the Story I long for; God’s very story, with each detail and fingerprint, in mans story. I can know Him more because I know His story; all its parts! I may listen with an ear like a child, seeking to see the depths of God in man. Seeing His heart and soul in every single story my ears are granted the opportunity to delight in. Doesn’t it bring perspective…


“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’


“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ (Matthew 25:35-40)


His story is being played out in every direction you can look; May each of you simply look and see…..and find Him there! I love you all so much; thank you for making my life rich with stories…


Rest In Him! Sarah G



His Story is still being written...



Journal entry 13 October 2010

I cannot walk away from what I've been told Father, but many days I cannot walk in it either. Perhaps I forget that you are there holding me and walking on my behalf.




As I learn to breath more deeply of You, I expect much of what I think will fall away; that truth will engage my eyes and all doubt will wither into nothingness. That I will remain safe in your arms and comforted by Your Words.





Somedays I wish I could just sit silently among Your creation and just watch as You watch and enjoy each person with every single detail in perfect view; that I may learn one day to love as You do.....My heart cries out for this freedom; the freedom to love--- I am dying to live like this and to love like this!





In that harmony and rhythm with the Three; to ebb and flow with Wisdom, Love and Peace. To offer these gifts freely to any of those who would come forward to drink...well even more to those who sink back in the shadows, to find them with such a love that they too would thirst and drink...



In order to follow Your will I must inquire of You what that is... Lord humbly I pray that You nudge my mind into this concept becoming natural to me; the tool that I would reach for in every moment. May hope arise and may my eyes see... May I never leave Your presence, not for one breath! May I never forget to let You walk with me! And so I come before You with each moment and quietly I will ask, again and again, will You walk with me, Father?



Guide my soul, let my fingers, eyes, lips, heart and mind become a symphany of Your will. May I be so bold to ask that You shall direct them all; that I may rest in the rhythm of the Three.



Free me even and mostly of myself, and of the desire to orchestrate music all of my own; without Your hand.



Let my soul respond to Your harmony alone! Just as gentle fingers lie weight upon the ivory keys and beauty is born or as the strings of this guitar resonate with the pure sound of love. It is Your song after all.....



May my days be lived out of this sound rising from deep within my soul- Your perfect melody Lord...this submitted heart doth play on, for music would be nonsense if it was not for You---- Thank You Lord!

What are you?

We live in a world where the term christian does not necessarily give a positive feeling to those who hear it! Now for those who call themselves christians, well they are fine with it; and they believe it has merit and value. But I can’t help but wonder why this noun has caused so much stir, and so much negative feeling…. Funny really, when you think about it! I mean do any of us know the very first time this word was used; the history of the term? I mean, where did it come from? Why do we use it? Well I wanted to know, so I checked and here is what God showed me!


In Luke 14:26 the term appears for the very first time… “The disciples were called Christians first at Antioch.” So the first people to identify these followers of Christ as Christians were outsiders; people who did not know their stories, had never shared in a relationship, and did not understand the God they served! And realistically the term still fits, doesn’t it? When people speak about those who they believe follow the ways or teaching of Christ, they typically refer to them as Christians; many times without an understanding for who they are, how they live, or even what they believe. And certainly without grasping onto to the true relationship that Jesus beckons each of His followers into. Whenever I want to explain who I am to those who may or may not believe I use the term christian; as if to claim that I am different than others! When the reality is, that knowing Christ and being in a friendship with Him should not demand a title, but instead should be evident from the love they know in my presence and from the encouragement that parts my lips. Perhaps that won’t make sense to an unbelieving world; the idea of simply loving them and not trying to be right; not trying to point out and explain your differences! You may be asking does it really matter what you call yourself. Perhaps not if you are standing among a group of people who believe as you do and who live as you do, but to outsiders it may very well be the determining factor in whether they feel safe with you, accepted by you or able to befriend you. When you think about it, the term is almost used to divide us; to set us apart. Why, even my spell check deems it an important term, as it highlights it in red to be capitalized; trying to set it apart from the many other words that color this page. The very words that are necessary for this story to be written! The word cries out to be separated, but the vision of Jesus was to unite us! Tragically, we have been acting set apart for far too long; and we seem not to be doing that great of a job, nor are we being an inviting place for those who are searching to come find rest. We are just those christians over there doing our own thing! Folks, this is according to the statistics, not just my thoughts on paper! Many are seeing us as people who have been set apart, but not in a good way; as a group that has no room for them and their differences, their opinions, their failures, or their faults!

Here comes the gut wrenching question… Take an inventory of your friends, how many are not like you? How many do not believe? How many live an addicted lifestyle? How many are prostitutes? How many are homeless? How many are gay? How many are thieves? How many are sick? I am not talking about people you know or people you may have prayed for once or twice; I mean truly your friends! How many?

I know when God asked me this the other day I wanted to cry; because if I answered honestly, there were only a few over the years. I have never turned anyone away, but I also have not gone out seeking these sorts of friends! And painfully when Jesus befriended me, I was one of these; oh how quickly I had forgotten how He came for me and how much I needed Him to. There are people in your story that need to be come after and I would challenge that the main reason we do not have a multitude of friends like these is because we are afraid. We approach them as needing to be fixed; we feel like we must meet all their needs and have all of the answers in order for them to trust the Jesus we serve. We think we have to do the christian thing, as if their eternity is hinging on our ability to make God seem apealing. Instead of simply coming along side them, as Jesus would, where they stand, and offering them the simple, free gift of friendship. Walking with them on the journey they are on, not trying to force them onto our path. Learning from and teaching along the way; supporting one another and leaving the transformation part up to Jesus! This is how Jesus has said we would be set apart; this is where He urges us to be more than just His friend, but His disciple.

John 13:35 “By this everyone will know you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

We are relational beings; we all want to be a part of something bigger. We all seek purpose and destiny. We all have this in common and we all can offer this opportunity to one another in friendship. It is a free, beautiful and perfect offering! Share your life, your love and your God with a world who needs to see unification!!

Warning!!!! You may get hurt, you may be rejected, you may even be betrayed; but the beauty lies in understanding your own relationship with Christ; in understanding His unconditional love for us. That we may give up our right to ourselves; that we may accept his will above our own rationalization or our account of how we deserve to be vindicated! That we may give up on how it is below our dignity to serve someone who has treated us poorly. That we may say once and for all I am truly Yours, Lord! I can lay myself down and pick up the cross…..

Your will be done!

Your love be known!

Whatever the cost to me and my own!

Journal entry 12 August 2010

A poetic plea for today….

For even now, when I truly don’t understand why You have requested of me what You have…

I know that it is indeed what You have asked!

I know that You love me and I know that You know what You are doing.

I know that You love me and I know that You promised that this will all be for the best.

And so I wish my flesh would just fall away and that I could find the beauty in all of this pain!

That my tears would stop cursing what so rightfully was done.

I accepted the task just as You knew that I would and I rely on the knowledge that Your strength will see me through.

Because as I look on, from where I now stand, it feels as though it was all for nothing…

But I humbly return to what You have promised; that Your Will ultimately prevails.

Because I cannot know Your thoughts or Your ways in matters such as these.

And much like betrayal does, it elicits the weakness of the former me

But the battle was marked with a kiss and I am filled with desire

Victory will soon come as I continue to reach for Your hand on the other side of this Fire…

Rest In the Arms of Love

11 August 2010

I guess today I just wonder why my sleep is troubled with dreams of the same nonsense I could occupy my mind with all day long. In my sleep I think I forget You are still present; as so many of my moments of the day do the same! My heart is torn…I know that I am beginning to love as You have asked Father, I know because it is despite myself that I see and trust in You as the final Author of all the plans of every man’s life. This is Love! That I can stand by and allow people to make wrong choices and indulge in their false selves and meanwhile remain beside the door of who they truly are waiting for them to arrive and step into that identity; always centering in on the true person underneath the façade and beneath all of the uncertainty. This is Love! That I am allowed see what is broken in people and I am willing to partake in the sweet offering of anything that You gave me to help them grow closer to You. This is Love…and I love people, and when I don’t…it pains me. When I cannot put myself aside! When I cannot remove the hurt or erase a trespass someone has committed against me! When I cannot unknow what I think I know about them in order to love them anew each day; to appreciate who they are becoming, at Your Hand, in this very moment! When I cannot love, it torments me! It robs my mind of peace and I ruminate on Your Love for me and how in so many instances I fall short of returning that act of kindness. I have never been able to stand the loss of harmony; not even before I knew You knew me. It is a gift, a desire You have placed so deep into my heart that even when I did not understand the raw nature of Your love, I was compelled from the depth of my being to offer grace and strive for love towards others! It has been my fight and I anticipate that it always will be. Love embarks on a journey of healing and healing is what Your Son came to offer throughout His journey. And I am honored to be invited into the freedom to love. And I am challenged by it. I long to reach the point where I can love free of myself…and it is a work in progress…that I thank You for…and as I fade…You transfigure within me! Lord please do not stop teaching me how You love and please free up those places in me that are still rebelling against this call! I desperately need You to show me how; I know You will and I am grateful….may I rest in Your arms as I close my eyes this night. Amen