Love language

What if there was a language God called us to speak; one that truly liberated others to be themselves. The creation God knows and loves regardless of the flaws, in spite of the differences; even because of those very differences. My heart grows heavy as I sit across from the precious gift of life that flows through their veins and recognize how little of that life they are aware of...How wounded and blind they have become...how wounded and blind I have become. How my emotions have misled me and my heart is calloused. How I deny the very life that surges throughout my body because I cannot make sense of it. How my mind will rob me of hours of His presence. How my heart will quiver within His very hands, and yet I will think it lies there alone; unattended to, beaten up and broken never to be restored or redeemed. Lost in the story that we have convinced ourselves is reality; and oblivious to the Truth. How precious a creation we are and yet how painfully unaware of that we can become. How disillusioned we can be when faced with our fears, our shame, our doubt and our ignorance. Who but God can rescue us? We are scared of ourselves beyond comprehension. Some of us run, others rebel, some just go in circles refusing to leave that path; all of us afraid of vulnerability, afraid of our true selves, afraid to Love and to be Loved. We would let ourselves drown in the sea of lies before we would reach for the life vest that's keeping our vulnerability afloat and safely away from risk.

C.S. Lewis wrote these words, 

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket~ safe, dark, motionless, airless~ it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

Giving and receiving Love seems to be so hard on us all. Why is this? What are we afraid of? Perhaps we simply find ourselves unworthy to receive and untrustworthy to offer such a thing. But isn’t that the point; we are unworthy, we are untrustworthy. But He is not. He guides and drives us into situation after situation to find it, to find Love, to find Him...the One True Essence of man; and then to offer it freely to others....But here we stand scared and seemingly alone. Unwilling to be vulnerable to the absolute obvious Source of Life; LOVE. And so we trip and we fall and we decide we were right after all! There we go carrying our own hearts in our own feeble hands and trusting no one; Not even the One! Often when we glimpse this mystery, this Love, we will deny its power. We will negate its presence. What fools are we? His hands must be heart shaped because we need to be held at every point along the way of learning to Love. Held without a gap, without space to wriggle ourselves free. We cannot Love, not truly Love, on our own. We will not Love, on our own. The word itself prevents a solitary act. Love is not done by one of us, for one of us. It is done by Him for all of us. It is done through us by Him, for us...And sadly, we can neither receive the Love that searches us out and seeks our affections, if even our simply acknowledgement. We are so sure it will let us down that we never really allow it in. May the walls come crashing down around us, that we may see. That we may know..Oh How He loves us! May the cracks in our hearts welcome the Light of His love and in doing so find the healing that only He can give. Then stand back as our hearts burst from our chests to reach out into the lives of others...just simply to offer the same glimpse He has been offering to us day in and day out since creation began; A glimpse of Himself, enduring Love! May each of us pick up a new language, the language of LOVE....speak it often and freely....we all need to hear what it has to say!

Three Stories, One Wisdom....

Sometimes I feel as if words could just drip from my fingertips....as if life is such a beautiful mystery that it should be whispered over our hearts without relent. While so many of us simply stammer about recklessly without a care or consequence for the world around us...for the miracle of life, of breath, of emotion, of awareness, of grace, of love, of forgiveness and of compassion!

The Kite

While in meditation with my Holy Yoga students God granted me the following glimpse. I was a kite, filled with beautiful colors and shaped marvelously for my intended purpose of flying higher and higher still into the sky. I knew what I was; I knew I was a kite. I knew what I was capable of because I knew my Designer. I knew how I was made and where I came from. And I could see myself flying high above the earth, enjoying all that had been given unto me; reaching my face to simply feel the touch that only the Son can lavish upon me. The warmth, the love, the awareness of His presence. When suddenly I looked down to see my string still attached to the earth, and I came crashing to the ground. As if my recognition that I was part of the world below me, was to my demise. I felt and thought as if I was defined by the world. As if I was part of all that it holds deep in the layers of its core; the darkness, the chaos, the forgetfulness, the doubtfulness, the fearfulness, the ugliness. And I fell. It was only for a moment. Then once again I rose understanding, a little better with a little more certainty and clarity, that I am both. I am part of this world and all it’s darkness and part of the longing that draws me closer to Him and all of His Lightness. I embraced that having one without the other would not work for a kite. Being tethered to the world, as I know it, would cause me to tumble to the ground and remain there with no hope of flying. I believe after some time I would even begin to forget that I could fly at all; not believing that the likes of me was ever created for such remarkable a thing. And if I ignored the earth below I would float carelessly around the vast expanse of the skies, with no regard for the men and women and the relationships God had made the content my life so full with. So I found the balance that only Grace offers, the balance that God says “I Am the Wind, I give you flight. You are correct that you are both parts my child, but lest you forget, I Am the Kite Flyer. With me you are safe to keep flying, higher and higher. Never forgetting where you came from or where you are.” And in that moment once again I understood I was Known by Him, I was meant to fly and He would always help me do just that! It was Love, Compassion and Grace that delivered the vision that morning. Nothing of me, but all of Him! God became the breath that is in the breath...for these precious few moments of exchange....

The Mother

So I was reading a book that shared a story of a young man who had lived a troubled life (I am paraphrasing the following retelling) He had been a gang member and had done many shameful things according to his account. He stood before the priest while still in prison waiting to be baptized. The priest began a conversation and the boy took over from within this man. He began to tell of his childhood, his father and all the abuse, the horrible abuse; weeping with each gasp for breath, for understanding, for life. These stories had obviously haunted him for as long as he could recall. Then he began telling of his mother, who stood not too far away, awaiting his baptism. He spoke again with tear filled words but now he said, “She has come every Sunday for the years I have spent in prison to see my sorry a@#.” He looked up at the priest and said, “Do you know how many buses she has to take to get here?” The priest just waited as the boy replied to his own question. “Seven, she takes seven buses every Sunday just to come see me; to bring me Love...” 

All I could think was isn’t this exactly how God would do it? He will take seven buses to bring you His Love and Compassion, His Support and Approval...no matter where you are; in the darkest worst places your days have seen. He will get to you...to deliver His precious gift of Love. He came down here to get us once and I believe He does it everyday. That’s how I found Him...He came when my world had been so confused, when the damage I was doing was hurting me deeply and then overflowing to hurt many others. When I no longer knew right from wrong, or better, I had found a rationalization for all of the wrong I was doing. When I had no idea of why I was made or what I was worth; not truly. When darkness was the norm. When I was sure I had a handle on it all. When my reality was that I must fight to be worth something in the eyes of someone, anyone. He came as a child in my stomach to tell me I was worthy, I was chosen, I was loved...I was enough for Him to entrust another life to! Her name is Davyn, it means beloved....because this was the first time I could believe it! I WAS HIS BELOVED!!! And once I heard it, I would know it for the rest of my life! Everything changed for me in those moments. It wasn’t so much that I was acknowledging that I knew He loved me, it was more that I was acknowledging my role as His beloved. I had come to see I was His child and worthy of His love; no matter where I had been or what I had done. I knew He had taken Seventy-Seven buses to get to me....to bring me Love

The Reality

Sometimes, just sometimes I get to be the deliverer of this Love and Compassion, from God, into the lives of others. Sometimes we all do. Sometimes I get to reach down into the deepest, darkest places of another’s life and reflect the Light which has been shown to me. Sometimes we all do. And sometimes I blow out the candle on my way in because I think I know what is best for them, what they need and certainly that I am right about it all. Sometimes we all do this as well! Sometimes I think we reduce our reality by trying to exclude others from God. As if what they are doing sets them out of God’s reach, but truly that is where I was found; in the farthest reach I thought I could have been from God. Our attempts to do this only diminish the mystery of God into some sort of members only club; when the Reality is with God there are no outsiders. That’s right none! We were all meant to fly. True Love, divine love if you will, is ceaselessly restless until it has turned all of our wounds healthy, all our deformities beautiful, all our shame lovely, and all of our humilities laughable. He does not stop; He cannot, He loves you too much. “I have called you by your name, You are Mine.” As Isaiah confesses it... Behold the One who is beholding you and smiling...It is not His disapproval that He incessantly is casting upon you, it is His Love and Compassion and Grace. We are more the disapproving ones than God. Nothing you do is too dreadful for God to come to you in; if He has to take seven or seventy times seven buses to get there. It has been such a disservice to teach that God cannot look upon sin, when most of the time that is exactly where He shows up to get you....right smack dab in the middle of your sin. And you know what? He is looking right at you, with Loving eyes that adore you and say, “ You are my Beloved, won’t you come with me?” The instant we think we have arrived at the most expansive sense of who God could be and how much He can love us, He will break through our insufficient thinking and make Himself known, once more, in a deeper way than before. And all we have to do is be willing to look....to believe in a reality that says God is greater than even what our sense of Him has been and that this reality can and will grow as expansive as our God truly is.....as we all allow our reality to shift.

Thank You Lord for your Love, Compassion and Grace. May we all embrace this deeper still.....

Becoming aware of Your Presence; Experiencing Your Glory.....

This is the story I desperately wish I had the words to tell....not just once but over and over and over again! My truest, purest desire and deepest weakness draw from the same source of mystery. I see that experiencing You Lord, is the only way to turn from all of the other experiences, in order to find the Grace and the Truth buried beneath the depth of what we previously thought was going on....what we previously credited as reality. The place where, if we are honest, most of us exist for most of our existence. An existence that is shattered when we are confronted by You Lord. But only in that occurrence does this hold True; it is only there that we See and find ourself free to Receive. Which begs the question, that I pray mercifully when I am in the presence of man...”God when will they get to experience You?” As I listen to them portray their stories, I hear the longing in their voice to Know You, and by Know I mean the deepest experience of You. Not just the stories told of You Lord, but the sweet exchange of Your presence for all their brokenness. The point where they see You; truly See You. The space between where the Spirit dwells and we find ourselves loved and free and new and different. It is Your work that does this and not our own. But as I stand and watch, my eyes are blurry with tears because I do not understand why You wait a lifetime with some and a breath with others. I want to weep for us all; not with pride or arrogance but with deep mourning. With words I do not understand. With cries that even my heart cannot translate. With emotions only the Spirit grasps. As I explore Your story, I make sense of how much we have to be taught before we are ready to See. And it is here where I fall, where I grow weary and get so frustrated. I want them to See You, because I know the Power of this. But for reasons in which I still cannot See, myself, it is not yet their time. For You know when we are ready to See You; any time before this is futile. So we wait upon the Wind; the Holy Spirit to move and to give sight to the Blind. I stood today in that final song of Worship losing control of every emotion as the words left my lips “Let us become more aware of Your Presence, Let us experience the Glory of Your Goodness”  Yes, yes, yes!!! And this became my prayer! One that stripped away every prideful thought of what I think we need. One that left me raw and humbled to lift us all, myself included, into this conversation. Because this is the Only thing that matters, the Only Truth that works, the Only Capacity for transformation, the Only....Most beautiful, Most precious, Most free moment of our existence here on earth.....Your Presence!
   ...It penetrates, goes deep into our character; And when it gets there it heals, restores and redeems us. May I always suffer from such humility...that I remember when I stand before man, You and You alone are their Savior. Let us become more aware of Your presence....and please, please let us EXPERIENCE the Glory and the Truth of Your goodness Lord! I cannot find the words even to express the longing I have....Lord teach me.....Holy Spirit You are welcome here!

This is your journey....

We are all weaved into the tapestry of Grace; every thread finding its strength in being  connected to God and to one another. Meant to become a cloth of Grand design that displays His Magnificence! Revealing that there is no perfect story or ideal relationship; just a conglomeration of stories and relationships woven along side the Scarlet Thread. The very Thread that was sent by the Father in order that all the other thread could encounter their purpose and know their dignified worth in the hands of the Weaver. I start here simply to usher you into the sharing of my journey, the parts of my story that I see Jesus tattooed all over. It had been a rough finish to the end of last year. So many changes and losses along the way; and the last three months proved to be the hardest on my spirit...I simply had found myself unmotivated and passionless...uncertain of how I ended up here on the journey and feeling, honestly, as if I had failed. People were constantly asking how the ministry was doing and I could not seem to find an answer that was even satisfying to me; I mean I was seeing God work day in and day out but I just couldn’t see any vision, nor could I recognize my purpose in it all anymore. I entered the new year in a fast and also joining women and men around the world for ONEness Prayer through my Holy Yoga team. Which was great and had started to revive my heart! But it also began to highlight what I felt were my failures. All of the sudden I stood looking around at all of these magnificent creations and all that they were doing and being used for; though I found plenty of room to celebrate with them, I also felt the tug to look at my own situation and feel a bit unsure...to feel a bit small! To analyze whether I was doing enough, whether I was being complacent, whether I was still on the path He wanted! But honestly there I stood immersed in what I loved and pouring into the lives of those precious few God had entrusted me, as He entrusted them... But with whatever lens I was peering through in that moment, I only saw that which subtly eluded that I was not able to do all that I thought I should be doing! As I write the statement I see the Truth trying to capture my attention, but all I felt was that I was not able and those words held a powerful sting. Perhaps I should finish the story as it played out.....So it is week two of the fast and I am invited by a student of my Holy Yoga classes in Edmond to come to her church and share the gift of Holy Yoga with a group of women. I had surrendered to His guidance for this group and trusted He would lead each wherever they needed to go; of course He did! But prior to walking in the doors of that church I had sat in my car asking God once more for the things I had entered my fast seeking. “Lord revive my passion and show me that this is still Our adventure; that there is more to it than this!” I needed to see once more, what all of this was about and mostly what I was doing here, smack dab in the center of it! I was an hour early and just sat in my car talking with Him about the things that were heavy on my heart; about the questions, the doubts, the uncertainties, the feeling insignificant in my own journey..... when oddly the random thought entered my head to go get a pack of gum. Knowing this was outside my fast, I tried to talk myself out of it when I heard God say, “that’s not your battle, go get the gum.” So I drive over to the gas station, getting out to take a gander at the ridiculous assortment of gum available to a person. I find the one I want, I pay and go back to the comfort of my car. As I opened the cover I noticed one of those QR (quick response) codes in the top right of the flap, and as I scanned my eyes across it I quickly understood there was no possible way of me understanding this code. Even if I could scan it, I would only be taken to the place it wanted to lead me. But it did not take the time to reveal the entire journey in which I had to travel to get there. Even the program and equipment that could read these scans would not be able to put what the code meant into terms that I could understand. Even if it tried explaining it I would not be able to understand the language it would have to use in order to establish what was really going on amongst all those dots, lines and boxes. But I did understand that every code was unique; every code distinctly different. But what really captured my attention were the words that had been printed on the left side of the code. In bold white letters “This is your journey”! I truly wasn’t sure why yet but the words grabbed me, and I felt a leap deep inside my spirit. I knew to pay attention. As I went through the teaching that night I loved how God led and how my confidence in myself lacked; somewhere in that exchange is where I always know God is working! I fade away and every heart in the room is offered a pure opportunity to soak in His presence and hear whatever it is He wants to reveal. Eyes are always closed so no one is looking at or to me for revelation. I am simply the facilitator for the moment; God is the revealer, counselor, transformer, comforter, and friend! It was a beautiful practice and His presence was known. After I stepped away from the stage, another woman (oddly enough named Sarah) stepped up to share some of her story with us. As the words left her mouth, I began to understand the bold White words that had grabbed me earlier in the evening. With simplicity she started her story and then sighed, paused and said, “Before I get too far into this I have to say, “This is my journey, each of you in this room have your own journeys; each one significant, each one relevant.” It hits me right there what God is trying to offer me. It was so simple, so true and not even brand new information; just now revelation came along with it. My mind raced through what this meant. You mean this is my journey and I should be celebrating it, not comparing it? This is my journey and I should be filled with excitement for what is to come, not with dread for what is yet to be done? So let me get this right God, if You wanted me to speak in front of gobs of people, I would be? If You wanted me to be a famous artist, I would be? If You wanted me to be the author that I think I should be, I would be? Even more, all this could be happening tomorrow for all I know?  I cannot understand the entirety of this journey but what I can rest in is that You are the author and You are getting me where I am supposed to end up? So I can rest? I can enjoy right now, these precious moments of being Davyn’s mommy? Of being a Holy Yoga instructor to a small group of amazing people? Of being an average PTA president at the school down the street from my house? Of being a friend and a counselor? Of just being me? I don’t have to find more in order to be significant? I don’t have to work harder to make the ministry You gave me look like or act like the world thinks it should be? You mean, truly this is enough? This is my journey??? Oh how marvelous I felt. How free! How safe! How certain that I was loved! 

Every fiber of our journey, even the broken, tattered and worn down parts are interlaced together to make a thread; one that when joined and woven together with other threads creates a whole picture. Every thread bearing the dignity of its Designer. Every thread necessary in order to define the Masterpiece. Every thread different. Do you see? We are the tapestry. Our journeys are different because they must be in order to bear the Truth of God. Parts of the story just aren’t enough. The dirtiest, most dreadful piece of thread, still has it’s place in the tapestry! Everything matters! The good, the bad, the disturbing parts of your journey....they matter! The colorful and the dull parts matter. The dark and the light. The new and the old. The forgotten and remembered. The healing and the sickness. The wealth and the poverty. The hunger and the thirst. The big picture just isn’t complete without your part, no matter how significant you or the world interprets that part to be! We cannot understand the code, and we cannot decide what is truly valuable to the code. Only He can! I wish I had a picture of what the final tapestry looks like. I bet it is breathtaking! I bet the Scarlet Thread touches every thread on the tapestry at some point or another; bringing with it Passion and Potential and Dignity and Worth. All this to say......THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY....NOW GO LIVE IT!!!! REST IN HIM 

What Grace is this....

Grace encompasses so very much more than my teeny mind can comprehend but when You glimpse before me deeper meaning I am captivated and simply in awe! With a little crumbled up piece of paper in my hand that reads “My Grace is sufficient enough for you.” My heart opens just a bit more to understanding Your words. Its as if I could feel You whisper into me, “Return to grace with every breath, in every breath and for every breath, and beloved it will be enough for you!” Grace stifles out the constant verbal thinking that insists you have not done enough, worked hard enough or achieved enough. You have not made all the right decisions or accomplished all the expected successes. You have not prayed enough, loved enough, served enough, lived enough and the oh too powerful and familiar thought, “you are not enough.” Grace meets these thoughts right from whence the darkness came and quietly responds, “I accept that, and it may very well be true in this world, but it does not change the fact that I am still accepted enough and loved enough, by the only One who truly matters.” For by the Grace of God I am who I am, right here and right now with all my failures, shame and disgrace. This is my story, all of it! It takes back the power from the darkness and returns it to the source. Those words of yours lose their influence and any control they had over you, as you begin to accept them and then quickly turn to the One who accepts you no matter whether these things are true or not; whether they can be counted or covered. I suppose I just never looked at Grace quite this way. I suppose I always looked at Grace as what God gave me after I had sinned. Not what He gave me during my sin. Not what He offered me in every moment. Not what He provided to save me from myself! But here it is a very sweet exchange of all my “not enough’s” for an all powerful “I said you are enough!” Grace does not always change us immediately but it does remind us of how very much He loves and believes in us! It is just the most endearing gift! He does not try to change us or insist on us doing it His way (because He knows that we cannot without Him), instead He offers Grace and through a numerous and continuous offer of that very Grace, we usually find ourselves transformed deeply over time!

Your life is then no longer the sum of all the places you did it right, the places you succeeded, the places you excelled; but instead it is more about the place you went after you had done it wrong, after you had completely failed or screwed up, perhaps again and again. It seems so unfair, it seems like we should pay for it or earn it....but it is simply offered over and over. I would argue that Grace feels like betrayal, especially when we are asked to extend it unto others. To simply accept that someone, as they are with all the things they have done, even those things that hurt you; that they deserve Grace! Our minds will often scream, “but they haven’t earned it, they haven’t even begun to change their behavior.” Insert the prodigal son story here, remember how it plays out. Remember Jesus came for the sick not the well and aren’t we all suffering from just a little of the sickness? But you see, that is the mystery of Grace and the beauty of it’s supernatural healing power. Grace feels a lot like love, it accepts injury and insult without a fiery tongue that lashes back, accepts rejection and betrayal without vengeance having its way, accepts that everything is beautiful just as it is, broken and messy and that there is still light to be found in every space you look! It smiles at the darkness welcoming its taunts and then without shame turns to bathe in the Light. Even as I write this down, I feel as if I want to stop my hands and utter aloud, ummm....now hold on here! Isn't this giving an excuse to people making bad choices to keep making bad choices and never change? Don't we have to do something, if we don’t change and do things right then Grace will surely stop. It is as if I want to attach a warning, a fairness button, if you will, for all of us who are making the right choices today....but wouldn’t it be an utter shame if I had my way! Wouldn’t all of my wrongs look so much different if I could not see them through the lens of Grace! This reminds me of that story in the bible about the workers who were paid the same wage no matter what time of day that they had started working.......so here we stand 2000 some odd years later complaining of the same treatment. Surely those who have sinned much should not receive the Grace I did when I came to work for you Lord. Surely the man who murders, rapes, abuses, steals cannot find His name among those in the Grace Story. Surely those who continue to hurt people and themselves cannot touch Your Grace and receive from it the healing, peace, comfort and love it offers. But who are we to decide what each man will be paid for their labors here on earth. I know it feels wrong but I have come to understand it as perfectly right...It is AMAZING GRACE!

Wisdom from the Thorn

Still processing it all from the previous blog...however, as revelation has come upon me today I must mention, I had tried myself to pull the thorn out many many many times; but to no avail! My methods were painful and rash and desperate at times, but the thorn never budged. It simply bore itself more deeply into my side as if to say, “It’s not your hand that may remove me from your side.”  Only the hand of God could remove the thorn, and it required little effort of my own; I had only to lie down and be willing to let Him work. For the thorn had its orders and I had mine, and only the Lord could speak over either of us to move....I suppose I say this because of the beauty of His perfect timing. For a time I needed the thorn, He was using it in my life; He was there! When He no longer saw a need for it, well then He came to me and walked me through its removal. Much like the last line of the previous blog...the wine making is up to Him. It is learning what your role is and knowing you have one, but relenting before Him always to listen for what this moment’s Wisdom may offer and being aware that this Wisdom changes from season to season. We do not control the seasons, and therefore cannot control the changes. We can resist them but ultimately will be overcome if it His will in which we have come to desire! So leave the thorn removal to Him which designed the rose; partake of its splendor for the season and partake of the pain if it what is necessary.....

The Moon Daddy......

“Why is the moon following us Daddy?”

“It only appears that way dear.”

I entered my weekend of retreat greeted by the sweetest story from the lips of a precious woman of God. She tells of a young girl in the back seat of her Dad’s car asking ”Why is the moon following us, Daddy?” And her Father explained in great detail Einstein's theory and other scientific details; trying to satisfy her question. To which she replied, with gratification in her voice, “Ok, Daddy.” After an hour more of driving, again she said, “Daddy, why is the moon following us?”  This time her Daddy just smiled and said, “It only appears that way dear.” 

 Perhaps that this is how we can view Our Father, that He could try, and may have tried, to explain it all to us but our simple and small minds are unable to comprehend and we find ourselves asking “Why” over and over again, and the best answer He can lovingly offer is, “It only appears that way dear.” 

 I sat in the car, riding to the retreat, feeling the familiar draw of the Holy Spirit within my chest. My mind had found itself buried deeply in the throne room of this heart and there I stood, palms open, waiting for what was coming upon me. I knew it was Him, because I had not even known a season of mourning was owed until He stripped the armor from my body and breathed into me, “Let us prepare for surgery dearest Sarah.” I humbly laid down and with every nerve in tact felt as His masterful hand reached into my side and pulled out the thorn. As long as I had been waiting for it to be removed, I thought elation would be the first emotion I felt but instead, what felt like deep, deep sorrow welled up from within. A sorrow I knew the Holy Spirit felt and shared with my soul as I began to cry. I heard my own lip’s confess, “I will embrace this loss and mourn it with and through You beloved Spirit.” It isn’t a loss as maybe some would imagine. I hadn’t lost a life, a relationship, a job or any other tangible obvious thing. But instead I was losing a thorn, a thorn I had been asked to carry. A thorn that I had felt transform my spirit, my soul, my identity, my story....One that beautifully mingled a journey of pain, of struggle, of indifference, of wrestling, of absolute surrender, of trust, of faith, of revelation, and of identity into the most profound dance I have ever experienced! But today He was saying, “I am removing it from your rib sweet child and though your body has grown over its point and the flow of its shape has joined in harmony with your flesh, it is time for Me to take it out! It will be painful, but it must come out in order for your flesh to heal.”

  So surgery began and I surrendered and wept as we walked through it! I knew He couldn’t explain it to me, I knew I would never understand! I knew that why was a question I needed to relent. That there was not an answer in this moment that would satisfy my soul and so He simply breathed once more, “It only appears that way dear.” The thorn held tight to my innermost parts, but He kindly cut away until it fell to the floor. So I grieved....and the women around me grieved with me, in silence and prayer. Most not even knowing what or why I was grieving. But the fragrant gift of silence the Spirit offered us all, left us in a room filled with raw heavenly expanse. The sweet story of the women at the grave of Jesus kept brushing up against my soul. That there they stood weeping and staring at an empty tomb, confused and disoriented. There was no understanding to be found! The promise had been so Alive, for so long, for these faithful women who spent much time in His divine presence, but now had appeared to be dead. The tomb that once held the promise was now empty. He was gone from that place. He was no longer where He was for all those years before. He had departed and there they stood bewildered; mystified at how and why all of this had happened as it had. So they wept and they mourned and they let every raw emotion fill the space between their lungs; as if they had known it was a necessary part of the process. Death and mourning precede resurrection; and Glory can be found woven throughout the thread of the entire process. So as I gazed down at my open wound, now missing the very thorn with which the skin had been held in tact for so very long, I wept. I felt. I painfully rejoiced in my utter uncertainty. I recognized that He was no longer there. He had moved; I didn’t know where. I guess as I stood there I even began to wonder if there was ever anything there at all. But quickly His gentle, loving hand moved in and massaged my heart with the reassurance that this is not about whether He was ever there; He was and I knew it! I had seen too much, heard too much and experienced too much of Him there to deny it! This was simply a time to mourn the loss of what was for so long His work space, and was now no longer. He thoughtfully revisited Abraham and Isaac with me, revealing a much more profound perspective. “Sarah I am right here and I was right there too. There is a reason you cannot make out within your own mind, that which I tell my children for a time one thing and then at a time of my knowing, I exchange it with something new. I desire for them to follow me no matter where I go. However they can get too attached to what I once said, and they will tend not hear what I am saying now. Imagine if Abraham argued with Me at the top of the mountain, “But You said this, I must do this, it must be this way. Because I am certain You said this.” As if he believed that this one Word from Me was the end all be all for his life; as if it were the measure of his entire relationship with Me. As if this happening just as he thought it would was somehow linked to who I was in his life. What if he was so bent on having and doing it right in his mind that this became the objective, and he missed or even rejected Me saying something new to him. Something like, hey don’t kill your son Abraham.” 

 Why are so many of us uncomfortable with this? With God saying in one moment one thing and then at another moment something completely different? I think it reveals to us our greatest fear; that we do not have God figured out. That we truly do not have the knowledge of the Tree of Good and Evil, and that, if we are honest, we hesitate to believe that the Tree of Life is enough for us. Our desire to give all things meaning sometimes overwhelms our ability to just be wherever He is. Because the beauty of all of these stories from the bible and our lives, is that God is in something new and more Glorious than the place He had first been encountered. It does not negate or minimize the previous encounter but it moves our perspective into a more remarkable encounter ahead. The retreat was so symbolic of how His healing works, He performed the surgery, mourned with me as He healed me, and then quietly invited me over to be washed by His merciful hands. As if to meet me where I stood and offer Himself once more as a sacrifice for my life, my sin, my pain and my struggle. And so in the moonlight of the night beneath all His creation, bare and vulnerable I entered the water and let Him wash over me.  As I let my gaze move toward Him, willing to follow Him into the new places we would go, He quietly knelt down and continued washing away the fear, the doubt, the shame, the embarrassment, the judgement and the worry that was tied to where we had been.....setting me free to enter the new space with more joy, and trust and faith and awareness than I had ever known. You are so so good Healer, Father, Redeemer, Friend and Companion. I will go where you go and I will relent that when the moon seems to be following me home that maybe, just maybe it only appears that way....I will trust that the Son will rise with each new day to meet me when I wake with a new and more Glorious breath of Life. I will continue to fill my life to the brim with the water, but I will leave the wine making up to You....

Rest In Him sweet, sweet journeymen!!!