From: Dust….To: Dust

A letter from this girl from dust...

Dust....just think of it....from dust and His mighty breath each one of our vulnerable souls begins to take form! Knitting together the innermost workings of our spirits, our minds and our bodies. Whispering a wholeness, that He is well aware this sinful world will at some point break...but beloved, do not be afraid, His plan has always been ahead, and behind, and even in this very moment; the plan to restore us back again to the original design, a reflection more like His own! Restored back to that breathtaking masterpiece that He had in mind as you were created from His very essence and being. Yes you...the one reading the words from this very page. You are beyond value to Him who brought you to life. You are one in a trillion! The process of mystery and beauty that our forgetful hearts will rarely rely on or remember; We are His and He is ours. So where would I be going with all of this talk, well rightfully so, to the very beginning of my own tragic failure to know my worth is in Him alone... 
Let’s start with, I’ve never been the girl who longed for or fantasized about the love of my life or my wedding! I didn’t go in and out of relationships searching for meaning; but I did go in and out of promiscuity in search for control! I often stood alone, falsely brave, sure that I could do anything and mindlessly surrendered to the brokenness that said I didn’t need anyone. Yet the brokenness was more clearly that I couldn’t trust anyone, so I wouldn’t place myself in positions that meant I must. Except for the occasional crazy cycle of only risking with those whom I knew would fail me because then I could innately rationalize my disfunction and continue down this broken road that would, thankfully, lead me to You Lord...
Then there was the day that I felt like You handed my heart to someone You trusted! And boy did I think I was ready. So I must impart here for all of you “girls from dust” out there, don’t we always think we are ready? Seriously when it comes to relationships with these men God’s made, don’t we always think we are ready. Ready to date, ready to get engaged, ready to marry, ready to have children...we always think we are ready...am I right? Be honest ladies, if you have found yourself standing and waiting on a man...you have told God over and over how ready you are. I think those are the moments where God just lovingly gazes at us and says oh sweet child you have no idea...
You see God loves you so much that He would rather do the work in you now to bring you closer to reflecting Him, than to deliver you into an idea that you are ready for what marriage and true love actually means. So just to be fair, I would like to inquire from the current wives, “Were you ready? Did you have any idea what was coming and how hard it could be? How often you would hand over your worth and identity to the man standing at your side, clinging to his actions and words to fill your identity cup?” 
My God is loving me so hard and so well right now that I cannot even stand beneath the weight of what that means. You see He loves me so much that He would rip me out of the hands of another to offer me a healing so deep it would ensure I will be ready, one day, for this thing of being His bride. We will all do it ladies, at one point or another, we will put our worth in the hands of a man and wait and watch all of his actions to determine our value; both before and after marriage. It is a battle and an offering daily in any healthy relationship.  There is also the side of this that until God begins to move into that role in our lives, we will have or will continue to hand it over to some pretty unreliable sources as well; Men who abuse and use and manipulate the beautiful essence of a woman! I didn’t even know how broken I was here until He showed me myself and my deep wound! Listen the wound can come from so many different things, the enemy is sly and fiercely despises the precious gift your heart could offer its counterpart; as God implies while bringing Eve before Adam and saying she will be a “sustainer beside you Adam” (Ezer Kenegdo). As for me I literally just discovered this morning that the wound was inflicted from my own unknowing mother and her wounded soul of unworthiness and then cleverly reaffirmed through the sins of many men along the way, as well as my own sin sinking the nails deeper and deeper still! We were collectively participating in the destruction of Gods fragile and precious design of her; and isn’t this obvious and true of modern day american society! I have walked with so many sisters through this process but for whatever reason did not see my own brutally inflicted wound; but then again how could I until I stood next to a man who really would point me back to Christ in a way that God would reveal a beautiful plan for healing and a sinful heart of surrendering my worth over to Adam. Sweeping my floor this morning at my studio it hit me and really hard...I knew it was coming. I’d tasted it moving into my soul, but I just couldn’t grab hold until this moment! The fear, the lie, the overwhelming weight of it all...the idea that if only I was enough, then...then my mom would not have chosen so many other lovers over her God or her daughter...Then she would have quit running to her addictions...Then those men would not have abused me and left...Then every man who failed me would have chosen to fight for me...and on and on and on. That if I was enough things would look and be a certain way....but we are in a fallen world beloveds! The weight of these "thens", belongs to God alone and not a single human could ever bear this burden! So here I stand in circumstances beyond my control, watching and waiting on God and He says and has been saying all along, “Sarah Dawn, my beloved, this has nothing to do with your worth or your value, it never has! You are Mine; I know you are Mine and that is enough!” And I sink and whisper desperately, “Help me to believe, Abba, help this broken and unbelieving soul find the Truth.”  Because somewhere in the story I related this lie to You God, and decided if only I was enough then You would give me the deepest and most hidden, and even denied unto myself, desires of my heart to be seen and loved unconditionally.  Strange right? You have already said Yes to me, I’m breathing after all! You have already chosen me, I’m ministering after all! You have already married me, I am Your bride after all! You have already decided to heal me, this heart is thriving after all! You have already accepted me, because I’ve been written on Your Hand after all...and yet I’m blind! But then I see a glimpse of light that's so redemptive it ignites the wildest embers of my soul! Now Lord, in Your great Mercy and Love, may the process begin of me seeing, receiving and truly accepting these gifts from You. At the end of the day it is all You Lord. The way the story goes isn’t based on someone else choosing me or giving me value, treating me well or honoring me as Your daughter, but on You alone deciding who deserves to come alongside Your hand, already holding and healing this heart of mine and participate in the journey we're taking into Your likeness! Love is a gift, honestly none of us deserves to receive it in the breathtaking form of a marriage, communion, commitment to another, but our God has chosen to offer us to one another, trusting us to go to Him for our strength and our worth, and to point the other to do the same! He loves you so much, that He is willing to do whatever it takes for those who love Him to see their worth is in Him alone and always will be, before handing us over to the beauty and struggle of helping another continually surrender to the same source of meaning! God also is the only one we place our full trust in, not in the other and their choices, because the reality is we are all broken and all sinful; but I believe that if we will continue to lift each others broken pieces up before the Lord, He is faithful to us and He will work all things together for the good of those who love Him...
This morning I read the best description of what that word  “good” means in this passage, 
“Good means to be changed to be like Him who is Best.” ~Ann Voskamp  
Ahhh but now my beloveds I hope we can see, may we each continue to heal and come to know...this is the work of redemption, restoration and reconciliation at its Best and God only wants His Best for You His Daughter!!!! So you don’t have to know the outcome, you can still believe in the middle of uncertain circumstances that God is working all things together for the “good”...and trust this girl from dust, it is worth it and more than you could ever ask for or imagine! Don’t give up! My love and prayers are lifting your broken pieces up before Your perfect Father…
Abba have mercy and...
Enlighten what’s dark in us
Strengthen what’s weak in us
Mend what’s broken in us
Bind what’s bruised in us
Heal what’s sick in us
Revive whatever peace, love, and beauty that has died in us...
Make us Your bride!

From Dust To Dust…
You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. -Song of Songs 4:7

choose...

I have to admit that sometimes I wish sweet healing didn't have to rise out of great pain and that creativity would move in moments that were not so full of the tension of pulling apart this heart, mind and soul! But here I sit with my words being dripped out as the only antidote to the doubt and the broken heartedness of these precious breaths…you see I sit and watch and know life is waiting for me to engage her once more; offering me the choice to stay in the present moment fighting for Gods breath of Peace that hovers just above all of these circumstances! To simply choose Joy repeatedly…..so much easier typed than accomplished!
This mind fluttering to and fro with wonderings unexplainable but Hopeful for some place to rest these weary and chaotic reasonings. 
My choices, yours choices and His will all scattered across the space, trying to clearly see me and still see Him in all of this! Knowing, Father, You are indeed here and You are in the very depth of me and my heart space that still reaches to sin against the very Love You rescue me with again and again! Ahhh there it is the deep gasp, and You've done it again! I remember You are indeed my one and only soul mate; teach me to rest in this Wisdom! Meeting me in the written depths as I make real what lies beneath by letting it permanently mark the pages as actual words, both thought and now spoken into print! I'm struggling to chose to Trust You Father, I'm broken and bent towards doubts and yet perfectly poised for Faith to sink deeper! 
I'm reminded I am on this path You have called me to….right here, right now and it is destined for greater things than I can fathom! But my eyes are stuck on that which has just been ripped away, ugh so broken in that space…My eyes need your help Father. Draw me back to Your gaze. That place where I truly forget everything else except for what You say and see in me. The battle for TRUTH to capture me again! Help me find the Word of Truth each day, cause I'm desperate, like each man(whether he knows it or not), for Your help! 
The Words You've revealed through the mysterious way that You do, seem to all point to that hard surrender of Fear for Your helping Hand instead…so my palm opens and I reach up from the mire….take me wherever we need to go Daddy…I won't fight You! When I am afraid I will trust in You, show me The Way beyond this dark shadow! Great faith comes through great trails and great pain…You are not alone sweet soul…grab His hand, walk, wait and watch as He refreshes your souls! Trade in your fears for His Peace…Choose and if you cannot, then ask Him to on your behalf. He is faithful my beloveds…ever so faithful!

Isaiah 41:9-13
9 I have taken you from the ends of the earth. I have called you from its farthest parts, and said to you, ‘You are My servant. I have chosen you and have not turned away from you.’ 10 Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will give you strength, and for sure I will help you. Yes, I will hold you up with My right hand that is right and good.11 See, all those who are angry with you will be put to shame and troubled. Those who fight against you will be as nothing and will be lost. 12 You will look for those who argue with you, but will not find them. Those who war against you will be as nothing, as nothing at all. 13 For I am the Lord your God Who holds your right hand, and Who says to you, ‘Do not be afraid. I will help you.’

Mark 5:36
36 "Don't be afraid, just believe"

Psalm 56:3
3 "When I am afraid, I will trust in You."

Sitting, waiting, watching...

Yes, it's early and a Tuesday but feeling like a Monday, the one where we paused life in honor of those who sacrificed for us…..I rose at 5am and woke to enter the sacred space of the Holy Yoga prayer call room and sat and waited and watched….always knowing God would do what only He does best; orchestrating the hearts of the callers to be linked by the thread that continues to point to Him and His mighty hand in our lives! And as the lovely women stepped into their voices and stories, so it was….again God and the invisible thread that connected us all. The scripture Colossians 1:11 May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy
Oh that precious and painful season of wait….and here we sit, 7 daughters of the King, and we've waited, and we are watching!

The conversation rises with its own life as God reminds each of us of His presence and purpose in the wait. Then the word joy jumps back off the pages, ugh and the weight of how to be joyful as I hear these stories, but there buried beneath the muck of confusion and pain is the golden thread that rings brightly with His glory and I see it and I hear it…each after the other resonates the same words "but it has brought my husband and I closer"! Ahhhh there it is the Bride and the Groom; what waiting increase, the intimacy and the connection. The wait is to bring you closer to Me My beloveds, ever so much closer to Me! You'll need My Spirit to endure and to be the strength that lifts your head as you climb up the mountain! You'll need My Grace to be your backbone as you wrestle through the confusion and pain of not understanding My ways! After all, things really do come true in the most unlikely ways! 
Sipping my sweet cup of coffee that warms, but waiting and longing for the burning reminder of Your presence Lord and as the playlist lingers on I am aware I'm here with You…I sit and I wait and I watch as You are in all those that fill this space. There You are in her smile, or his serious face as he taps on that keyboard. There You are as the rhythm of this whole world. The rain falls outside and you wash over us again and again if we will sit and wait and watch for You, never washing us away but washing us back to You and to life! It is all preparation indeed…one season leads gracefully into the next. Let it pour, sitting, waiting and watching for Your unexpected best Lord….Joy

Our hearts are too small….

Let me be completely honest and raw before you...I’ve spent the last few months beating my fists against God’s chest, with complete lack of understanding, the fullness of an excruciating pain and a dose of deep mourning! Can I just humbly express to you, and it moves me to tears even as I write this...but He stood there and He took it and let me have the outlet of His loving arms to absorb all of this ragamuffin’s confusion! Because He knew what I needed and that was to wear myself out in venting my pain and crying out with my “why’s”! So He graciously stood and let me get it out. We are sometimes taught as Christians not to ask why but instead to ask what. Most of the time I totally understand and agree with this offering, but then there are those moments where you really have to get alone with Him and scream WHY. May I boldly remind, that even Jesus Christ, our Savior’s last words contained a “Why”! It is when we will kneel in front of our Father, acknowledging that we do not know why and our understanding of Him is truly not big enough; this is where we are undone! This is also the very space where He rushes into us to fill the gaping space a broken heart creates. The vacuum waits to be filled and here He comes with the only thing that can fill it; His LOVE! He meets us with something bigger than knowledge and explanations can offer, He meets us with Himself and the vastness of mystery and the humbling realization of our limited capacity to understand.
 I can attest that the tension, these last few months, of my Faith (my belief that God real,  is good, is for me and loves me) swirling with really hard, unanswered questions had broken open my heart indeed and created an all consuming vacuum desperate to be filled. I’m sure my Faith lent to an even deeper pain than if I’d had none! There was nothing within my reach that would fill it. No matter how many explanations I tried to navigate, or how many explanations others could offer me, none were gonna fit or fill this pain!  As I entered the studio last night so crushingly weary from this battle, the Spirit began to move!  As I scanned the room and the hearts of those practicing with me, my message rolling from these uncertain and even a bit doubtful lips; the Spirit began to reclaim my mind from the mischief of the enemy. Because dear ones, in our searching for understanding, doubt  penetrates all areas of our being. The enemy would like to infect you wholly with poisonous doubt. It is here in the Why’s that you indeed doubt God and feel let down by Him; you doubt everything from your understanding of Him, of yourself (identity, worth, value, purpose) and of others. Which, only magnifies the pain! You see, as I looked at them and let the words out from my soul, the Spirit began to remind me how big God is and that these little hearts of ours cannot contain the full understanding of the His Will or His Love...so He breaks them open to expand the space that He wishes to occupy within them! You see we spend our lives in an ebb and flow to construct an understanding of God and His Love; it is human and we are all guilty of doing this repeatedly. He is merciful to keep breaking that heart space open for bigger understandings and explanations. He is always revealing there is so much more going on here than we can possibly understand! The moments of no understanding press us into new territory and space, expanding these fragile human hearts of ours because they are still not big enough to contain all that God is....

Sweetly there came a moment where I just crumbled into Him, emptied of all my attempts to satiate myself with some explanation, wounded deeply and crying out at the very end of myself...and His Love rushed in to fill that Vacuum my broken heart had created. This expands my heart space and bends me gently to His will again; and the pain becomes worth it. Joy rises from the mourning. He turns the darkness into light, the crying into laughter, the doubt into greater belief, the despair into great hope. Outside of our understanding God awaits! You see He could stand back and explain the pain to us but instead He knows what we need is for Him to rush into the space and pour out a greater expression of His love until we are full, because then we will overflow with that very same Love and it will fall out on others through our every breath and movement! Although I wouldn’t wish the pain of Why moments on anyone I can fully see that if a vacuum is never created within our hearts to challenge our understanding then we will not have the capacity for the Love that comes for us...Finally I breath deeply and whisper yes Lord, Your will be done! 

Most beautiful place….

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Psalm 130

My Soul Waits for the Lord

A Song of Ascents.

1 
Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord!
2 
    O Lord, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentive
    to the voice of my pleas for mercy!
3 
If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities,
    O Lord, who could stand?
4 
But with you there is forgiveness,
    that you may be feared.
5 
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
    and in his word I hope;
6 
my soul waits for the Lord
    more than watchmen for the morning,
    more than watchmen for the morning.
7 
O Israel, hope in the Lord!
    For with the Lord there is steadfast love,
    and with him is plentiful redemption.
8 
And he will redeem Israel
    from all his iniquities.

So these words have been rippling over my mind; the path of these delicate notions meeting my ears ....its funny, really, that I can often hear without even a hint of a whisper to part these lips! Silently listening and then from time to time rolling it off my tongue and in my heart. I first took in these words with these with my eyes but my ears and heart and soul are what will bring me sight ...and though my heart immediately grabs hold of the part “I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope: my soul waits for the Lord more than a watchman waits for the morning, more than a watchman waits for the morning.” because it feels so close to this moment, the one I am finding the very breath I am partaking for life; the present moment, where I am very presently awake and aware of the wait I am facing....but I keep hearing Him beckon me to more; the more of this verse. The part I really need to hold on to and understand in this season of Lenten sacrifice and surrender. The part with words that grab my soul and my attention on the deepest levels; the wrestlings beneath the sheath, behind the veil! Words indeed, of I cry out from the depths, my pleas for mercy, with the Lord there is steadfast love, and  plentiful redemption.....Oh yes these are the ones I need! You see as I undress the first lines of this song of the soul that stings as it fully enters me for the work with which it has been sent; I realize God is whispering to me, “Sweet Child I am your only hope and I trust that you know it and you are here because I am sure you will cry out to Me from the depths of this pain and confusion of life and you will cry out to Me alone! That we would sit together in these prayers and promises and you will feel My hands smoothing over the brokenness of that precious heart which I’m molding like clay between My fingers! Yes Love I am that close, both to this pain and to you...
 So close that the far down meaning of a plea suggests you are desperate for My help, it is full of urgency and raw emotion and it is for My great Mercy to rain down like the spring showers that will come my beloved; they will come! So now the waiting is sure and full of excitement and Joy and steady strength drawn from Me alone; the waiting is for Me. Nothing else can hold you here like I can! For remember dear one, with Me there is steadfast Love.... say it again beloved... There is steadfast Love! Say it until you believe it! Say it until it settles your thoughts! Say it until you know I’m standing right here with you! That’s it, forget the rest of the room and hear these words, this is it...all you will need today! My steadfast Love! Do you feel it overshadowing the wait yet? This is it, what the wait is all about; it begins and ends with My steadfast Love! Because of this Love I have for you I call you into to waiting like watchmen waiting for the morning! In all your life beloved, when has the morning not come? Do you understand yet? You see you are not just waiting endlessly for something that is sure to never arrive...NO beloved you are waiting for Me and I come, like the sun is sure to rise each day, I come!!! No matter the darkness of night or the chill of winter, I am waiting with the sun to show you once more of My presence and My great Love for you! 

Oh the things I am redeeming for you through these fading streams of time that you feel are so long trodden! I am redeeming the parts stolen and lost and even the ones you freely gave before you understood your worth sweet daughter! It is here that I am redeeming you from all your iniquities! And looking back my dearest, these words of mine will lift off the pages and meet you right where you are.....waiting for Me; it truly is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen you......  

Let Freedom Reign....

Well, I guess here goes, just to break the spell...as I have felt the draw back to these keys and the words pouring over my soul...I have also felt a hesitation...but perhaps today is the day after all...to simply write out what is writhing in my heart! Where does love go in those moments as we stand before another human and search ourselves for what it is that sets us apart; what it is that we have that they do not? Do you even realize that you do this? I am uncertain if it was Gods design or our self centered nature that does such a thing, but if we are honest we all do this. But you see this is where it all begins to unravel for us, because our hearts are faint and our minds weak and our flesh hungry we can easily seep right into judgement instead of love. I am by no means a person who does not understand the importance of making choices that keep us free, but I also see somewhat of an interesting dynamic occurring in this space. If it was as easy as simply calling out the problem, wouldn’t we all just be instantly healed as soon as someone told us what our behavioral problems were? Much like telling an addict to stop being addicted, or an anxious person to stop being anxious, or a believer to stop worrying and just trust in the Lord; our judgements of others do nothing to set them free, even and especially when we are correct in our assessments. If anything it keeps them trapped. But Love, it sets us free!!! I suppose the best way to get to where I’m going with all this talk is to start with a story of my own! I recall like it was yesterday, the empty night that led me to a new freedom. I sat just entering my journey with Him, recalling my stubborn heart that the one area I already decided I would never succeed in was my purity. Why you ask? I had way too much hurt there? Too much confusion and comfort to let go? Too many lies and repeat offenses to see with any sort of clarity? But I remember gasping for breath as I recognized the prison I had built around my life and my beating heart falling from my chest drenched in bloody tears. May I add it was not at the hand of a critic, a pastor or a “concerned” bystander. It was in the quietness of my surrender in a moment that He reached in and pried from my fragile hands the lie that had robbed me of Him and a portion of His love for much of my life! I had been arguing for months with Him, myself and others about the validity of my stance. About the rationalizations I could fragment together effectively into a sound argument that quieted the voices and satiated the flesh...sure it was desolate but it was mine and I had no idea there was another way until He showed me. But into the breath of this silent night He would brush directly across the wound and reveal what I needed the most and it did not resemble what I thought I wanted the most.                                                                                                                            The words sounded like Love! If there ever was a sound made in pure love it was His voice in this dark night, which would illuminate my soul and my sin and usher in a treasured repentance that had laid in wait! His breath warm, close and clear whispered, “I simply want you to know what I meant when I created this exchange of intimacy. I want you to experience it the way I meant it, Sarah. That is what I have for you.” Those words changed everything, all my stubbornness fell off like scales and I sat weeping taking the bricks down one by one! You see it wasn’t ever gonna be the judgement or rules of another that did what this moment did. I was instantly set free....Maybe I’m not being clear! Here is the raw script of my life, promiscuity was my vice, I used it to control the world around me and hide my vulnerability. I would never allow a man to pursue me or find me waiting...I would lead the way and therefore keep myself safe! Yeah I know, messed up right, but you see I lived in a world as a child where this precious beauty of purity was stripped from me over and over again and somewhere in the midst of horror the enemy twisted my eyes to grab hold of what they wanted from me and use it to control my hurt! It has been 9 years now free and celibate and I always think of the woman at the well when I now stand pure before another...you see this is how Jesus came to me. He searched my heart for the wound, He did not stand in front of me condemning my acts but instead showed me the Source...He wanted to show me why I was doing what I was doing and reveal a far better reality to the one I had chosen to settle for! Those words He whispered told me there was better, there was more, there was hope...it beckoned me to wait for the very best He had to offer when He designed this thing, that I knew nothing of, termed “making love”! He wanted to reveal the reality of it’s beauty rather than letting me sit in the perversion of it. And it was there in that freedom that my behavior would instantly change...why??? Because His words had set my wounded heart free forever! So why is it that when we see a brother or sister failing or falling short that we call them out but leave an unfinished work? I mean we have no reservation in telling others what is off in there behavior but do we ever stand in front of them with a heart just as broken as theres is and lift the veil, and allow that the Lord would use us or whisper through us as we search along side these broken hearts for the reason why, the source from whence it came? The last time you looked on and criticized or made judgement of a woman for her immodesty did you ever stop to pray and ask the Lord to reveal to you or to her why she was choosing this way of behaving. The problem will never be healed and the behavior never changed until she sees the wound, the disfunction and understands there is another option; one of hope and freedom...This isn’t a debate issue for our church goers to feel righteous about, this is a heart issue among Christ followers who are still and always will be broken until the moment we sit before His throne! I am not saying that accountability and confrontation are wrong or bad, but I am saying those are only the beginning steps and they should never be taken unless we are willing to stand in the gap with this soul until the Lord helps them see what it is that their heart has settled for in place of His best. This is what love does, it sets us free! The freedom to stand with a child of God as He holds their heads up and eyes open until the walls fall down! We do not simply yell at the prisoners, hey guess what we can all see you are in prison! Instead we enter their prison for a moment and help tear down the walls. But you see we get so easily frustrated when the behavior doesn’t instantly reflect what we have just revealed to them, as if we thought telling them they were in prison would spark some sort of freedom! When they aren’t instantly eager to follow us in tearing down these walls we grow impatient because we are right after all!!! And more often than not we will leave them, give up on them and judge them further into their cell. I believe that the realty offends us that our informing others of their faults is not what does the healing here; oh we are so arrogant. It is Him alone that offers us a place to rest our weary feet on the narrow path. Him alone that offers us a glimpse of the light on the outside of our prison cells. So when we enter their cell should we not be in step with the Savior, Him going before us to search the heart that we will never be able to understand without Him!!! Delivering the words, the courage and the Love that is actually able to strip the mortar off the bricks that leave them trapped!  But often that is way more work than we are willing to do for our fellow prisoners of war; that is way too risky and painful! Ah but you see when we are set free ourselves then we can do nothing other than seek for the freedom of others. I remember a young woman who was ostracized in her church for dressing like a man, when the entire time not one stopped to investigate the why? You see, she was being abused sexually and was resorting to hide in her body and clothes as to no longer appeal to those that could potentially hurt her! But no one sat in prayer and fellowship long enough to see her prison and help tear it down. We all feel compelled in this story. But do you realize the girl who is dressing too provocative is doing the same thing, just in a different way! When was the last time you kept eye contact with her and asked the Lord to show you her wounded heart and asked her to share her story that you would enter her prison and begin to see life as she does. When you yourself are free, this is what you will do...long before you tell others or complain of her faults. You will see her wounds and desperately plea for the Lord to help heal them and you will sit with her reminding her of the freedom that awaits, not piling on the bricks that keep her captive. Everything we do comes from a source! Every decision we make stems from a origin! Every thought we think derives from a spring! This is true for all of us and the whole entire purpose of this life that you and I have been given, is to identify that source, that origin, that spring more and more as the One true living God, instead of the many options the enemy offers us daily!                                                                                                         But it is a process we are all still very much in...no matter our outward behaviors! Can we become free enough to accept this? Do we trust our God is big enough to do what He says He can? Will He set these captives free? I mean look around and if your eyes are wide open you know we are all in prisons of our own. Sometimes those prisons seem safer than the unknown outside world. But He comes to set us free!!! Yet without Love, there is no freedom...without Love there is nothing (1 Corinthians 13:1-3) Are you free enough to love like this? Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.  Everything Christ did for people was to set them free, not to keep them imprisoned and judged and sentenced again and again! May we become aware we are on a journey to help set people free from the tirade of the enemy; love is the best place to start, it is where Jesus is! John 8:31-32, 1 Peter 2:16, 2 Cor 3:17, Rom 8:20-21, Gal 5:13-14...so much talk of freedom in the scripture, may we each find our role as freedom seekers and freedom adventurers willing to sacrifice to see others set free! In the words of William Wallace....F R E E D O M!!! Rest In Him Fellow Freedom Adventurers...I love you!!!

The Problem with Passion

When This life gets to me, I'll be found on my knees.....                                                                 When my heart sinks heavy, I'll let you lift it for me.....                                                                                            Misunderstood....would be a great place to start! I feel like my whole life my heart has been misunderstood. I love to love! I want every person in every room I enter to know they matter, that they are special; that they are loved! I desire to share the Love God has given me with each and every soul He allows me to come near. He speaks to me and through me to help people look to Him, know they are loved and find healing. He’s created me to Love well.....and I thrive in its wake! I love to love......                                                                It’s as if the enemy knows precisely where to aim. It’s as if he knows exactly where the “ugly lie” is hidden and just lives to brush up against that wound again and again. Hoping to steal, kill or destroy your journey...And it is truly by the Grace of God that he is allowed to do so...because God knows there will be a moment when it is healed and the enemy can no longer carry any threat to your stance...God is working amidst the enemies attempts, He is setting you free. He is building your faith....and boy can it be painful....Yes God must hold us down sometimes to do the extraction!                                                                           So there I stand beneath the vast sky and the darkness of night and the echo of the words steal my breath. I heard nothing else after that moment, just felt the depth that it penetrated my heart, my mind and my soul....pain that wrapped around me and shattered my being for what seemed like the longest breath ever. Tears welled up from the deepest pit, out my wounded self and I held them back as the scream took center stage...”me again, this is my fault”. My actions and my honesty and my love are to blame for why a man can’t see my pure heart just waiting to be received. As if I’m the temptress just waiting to trick them into being distracted...really do I even possess this power that I so often get blamed for? And if I do, who has given me that authority? Is it all me? Do I have an ill heart and I’m just blind to it? Is my passion the problem? I stumble over the words, “It is not my heart to awaken feelings if it is not their time.” And the harsh response that says, “yeah well your actions say something else”...As if I acted alone to align the universe for this crossing of paths, or I awakened a sense of connection all by myself...I am not in control....am I? My leaning in to draw near to one of Gods creations makes me wrong, or to blame? I sit riddled with questions, but humbled nonetheless and crippled enough to know I have to weigh this before My Father. And so I do; I carry my broken self to the Throne and collapse for what seems like the millionth time this month and I beg to be unravelled, beg to be revealed to myself...what is mine to carry here Lord? Why did those words dig so deep that I couldn’t see straight? Why the intense anger that arose as they penetrated my ears and my heart? I know this space and I am aware that when I feel so much emotion from any mans words, especially when I do not even know how they were intended, the Lord is stirring beneath; inviting me to look...trying to tear the curtain and bring me near! So I peak in, terrified to see...but Grace welcomes me and flashes me back to the very first moment the enemy stole the truth and buried the lie into me! I was 8yrs old and a man that I had received as a father figure was stealing from me my innocence and he told me with his words, it was because of my beauty and because I was so full of life that this was happening....and every man there after would affirm the same thing...”You are a distraction and not a treasure. No man will ever see your heart...because your passion will blind them...” There it is, the “ugly lie” and here I am Trying to lie still and wait, as His mighty hand moves to finish the surgery I unexpectedly walked into. I cry and squirm but find the Truth....He says to me,”Sarah your passion is a gift, very few will know what to do with it! The enemy would love to convince you otherwise...twisting My gifts into faults. But this is not the Truth. The Truth is there is a man who is strong enough to harness your passion and let it burn as it was meant: to light the world on fire for Me! Your role is to keep the passion at rest until he comes for it....he will come! I’ve arrested his heart for you; because his heart is arrested for ME first and foremost, and therefore he will see you. Truly see you as you are; passionate and loyal, sincere and pure, surrendered and submissive, gentle and collected, whole and mine completely...He will see Me in you first!” I weep for this, “Yes Lord, I want that! I pray...teach me how to put my passion to rest until it is time, give me the wisdom and discipline I do not now possess in order to be still and wait! Give me the eyes to recognize Your will for each breath and each day! Let me pour passion on those who are ready to receive You and Your Mighty Word and Healing! Do not let the enemy continue to twist the Gifts You’ve put in me into weapons against me. Heal my heart from the lies, I know I am left without blemish or stain from those trespasses against me, but I beg You Lord, debride these wounds completely that they may heal completely! I will wait, I will lie still and rest in You while the pain is removed from my soul. I will trust Your work and believe You are good and this will indeed be what is best for me. Thank you Lord for taking the time to arrest my heart more fully to You! Thank you for making me able to reflect, for giving me the courage to follow You beneath the surface to see what is really happening. Forgive me for misusing any gifts if I have. Show me my errors and forgive me my sins. You are good....Amen” I freely share my life, my stories, my failures, my blessings...may you glean whatever the Holy Spirit

intends...thank you for walking this out with me brothers and sisters....Rest In Him Sarah G                                                                               ~Song of songs 2:7 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Why Grace?

The last time I visited Grace with my written words, I didn’t understand it was just an intro into something that would dust up against my soul in many seasons and probably forevermore...bringing with it gusts of meaning that could only be used to enliven the Great Mystery of God to my frail eyes. Grace encompasses such a sweeping enigma for the human condition! The secrets of Living seem to be buried beneath the rubble of its very passage into our realm of reality! All the while with Grace perfectly intact, it is in that very rubble that beauty is found within the soul, that our bodies are filled with true Life and our minds welcome the revelation of Light. Grace has so many links in every part of our precious existence. It is the chain from which all life and meaning is held together and sustained; directly in the face of our limited awareness, our deafening blindness. Grace is woven throughout our experience, sprinkling our lives with concepts like acceptance, gratitude, joy, love, and peace. And paradoxically right along with all the afore mentioned, sprinkles of pain, discomfort, sadness, fear and loss. All of these, gifts worth unwrapping; feelings worth drawing in. Joy is always worth the wait, and fully living is always worth the believing that precedes it. Staying alert and awake to God in the moment allows Grace to awaken the joy and with it the pain. If we will not numb ourselves to this experience we will dance with Grace, even allowing it to lead. Truly living accepts both the good and bad and places them at the same seat of the Father...Grace! Jesus knew of the pain! It was written, it was lived, it was the Word, but it was also being seen through the lens of the God-Man. A lens that understood Gods Grace was laden upon these words “Surely, just as I have intended so it has happened, and just as I have planned it so it will stand.” Without God’s Word as a lens, the world warps our perception. So the idea remains, a good God who planned everything... Everything!?!? Let me try to put all these, as of yet, feeble thoughts and words together here...Grace is seeing that this very moment should be sipped of; we should drink the Light of the present into our beings, inhale the Sweet directly out of the now! Receive Joy through gratitude; because you see, we’ve seen His Grace today already within the very nature of our first inhale...but perhaps we missed it already as well, within the entitlement we feel for that very breath. Grace is learning how to open your hands each day for Gods daily bread, expectant and thankful for what He gives~even when you know its gonna hurt. Gods Grace is abundant, and an unbroken whole that both fills the home of a child saved, but also of a child lost. How can this be? Grace is that when you have waited and waited and waited and things did not turn out as you thought, your eye still gets caught on something more beautiful than you'd ever imagined and you breath of Life from that treasured instant! You become aware....Grace abounds! Our lives are not a series of Grace moments and Curse moments...its all Grace. Sometimes He has to hold us tightly in those painful moments like a terrified, hurt and flailing child just to breath Grace upon our ears “Are your ways My ways? Can you drink of My Cup and eat of My Manna? Can you believe that I tirelessly and tenderly work all for the very best good of the whole entire world, all of My Creation...to include you? Can you embrace that I do this because the flame of My Love for you can never ever be put out?” And with that you stop squirming and you relent and you find His gift in the passing day and as you wake the next morning you sigh, “He’s given me two, why am I allowed Two?” Grace is why! There is where we find the fullness of Grace; in His arms, turned towards Him...the emptiness exchanged with His presence, this begets Joy! All is Grace! And Our God chooses to cut into our ungrateful hearts to make us whole; He takes the very pain that He has given and shows us how to find beauty and thanksgiving in it. And this transforms the entire exchange into joy that fulfills all of our emptiness! May we drink the Sweet right out of our world, as it is...this very moment... As we are...this very moment...”My Grace is sufficient for you....”                                                                                                   Most of the time, our eyes are just bad ;) read Duet 32:39 NASB May the Word transfigure your sight...bringing a new perspective....receiving a new Grace! Rest In Him Beloved!

Joy in Uncertainty

“My soul does cry from the depths; my heart does sing before the thrown.Beneath this season of the Great unknown” ~me                                                            I can recall the simple way He showed me two months ago, on the eve that He would ask me to completely let go. I had drove out to the mountains to just be still with Him; to welcome the comfort that only He could give me...to seek the wisdom that I still had not known in the disarray of my circumstances....to come to grasp the peace that would replace what I was previously holding on to. And meet me He did, as always...Faithful beyond my capacity to comprehend. I jumped in my car after a long day of confused thoughts, heavy lies and tear stained cheeks; I was needing physical sustenance. I just stopped at the first place I found that I could eat and as I drove through to order and pick up my food I remember my plea clear as day...”Lord I do not understand any of this, but I know Your Love for me. Show me how to rest in Your plan here...How to find Your Loving arms and  bury my face and my heart into Your grasp. Show me whatever it is I need to see; reveal to me why You’ve drawn me to these mountains. For I am in a space of fear and doubt and I want to trust You...remind me how, Please Lord remind me how...” It was quick and it was intense as the words burned across my lips and out into the atmosphere, but none the less He was immediately there to capture the essence of my heart in this prayer! I remember glancing up briefly from my train of thought and noticing the motto of the place I was ordering from, printed on a placard before me “Get what you want, get what you need.” It caught my eye because at the moment I truly felt as if He was asking me to give sacrifice to that which I had wanted for many long years...but then the sweet whisper resounded in the deepest corner of my being “Sarah Not just what you want, but also what you need....this is My desire for you my precious one.” I let that soak for a moment and as I approached to window to receive my meal, I asked the young man standing there for some hot sauce, I quickly said “A lot please.”  I actually think I began to cry as I watched this young man continue to pile sauce into my bag, I mean so much that there was no human way possible for me to eat it or use it. And he was just so stinking happy to keep reaching down and placing handful after handful into my bag. But it’s what God was saying to me there that just wrecked my heart, “I’m going to give you so much more than you’ve even asked for Sarah. More than you ever imagined.” I remember smiling at the young man who was completely oblivious to the role he just played in Gods speaking to me...I knew he noticed the tears rolling down my face and I’m sure was confused by my extreme response of gratitude over hot sauce. I just smiled through the tears and said, “Thank you so much, you just helped make my night better.” I drove back to my room for the night and just kind of sat on the bed with all that hot sauce spread out as if I could roll in it...I know it seems silly but you see He has always talked to me through the common place things, the daily notions, the perfect people; used to reflect all His Love, Grace and Glory! So I sat and I rested in this sweet conception He had just set before me....my eyes grew heavy and all of me fell into that Love; my heart, my mind, my body and my soul....resting fully in a gift I could not completely wrap my awareness around! And I slept....with peace...held in His mighty arms...                                                                           As the next several months unraveled I’d like to say I grew more secure, strong and carefree in this wisdom...but instead I would face the Greatest unknowns I’d ever come to wrestle with. Just question after question as I watched His powerful Hand reveal truth in the very darkness I had been wondering. And often I didn’t even know what to do with it...I would just stand mind running, heart quivering, head shaking and soul seeking. I cannot think back on a time when I ever wept as long or as hard as I had in this season. I also don’t recall ever being met so Gracefully again and again and again by Father as I wrestled with it all. The cost felt too much for me yet it was exactly what I needed spent in order to know Him more deeply, more assuredly, more completely in these moments; this was a truth He wanted to last forevermore within my very nature. But it was going to be a hard process to sink it in. So many moments of perfect clarity swept away by insane emotion...all of it remains a simple lack of trust, a lack He knew was hiding there in the very tender space of my heart and so He would offer me trust in a way I wasn’t necessarily welcome to receiving it...in the Uncertainty! I don’t know how many times over the last few weeks I have heard myself say to others; I just have no idea what God is going to do here. I cannot see at all which direction He will take this. nothing aligned well enough in my own cognition to give a clear route....it was as if puzzle pieces had just rained down and I was finding them everywhere; I knew they all went together but had no idea of what the picture would look like or how the pieces even fit. And yet everyday He was kind enough to show me another piece and to give me my task, the one focus He wanted me to have. How He wanted me to pray, what He wanted me to build and of course who and how He wanted me to love. I guess I just didn’t realize how hard it would be for me to follow through on those things. My heart fluttered beneath the weight every several days and I would crumble once more into His arms and He would say something only He knew to stay to strengthen and encourage my heart once more. It was the place I’d been so many times before and it is a beautiful place of daily learning to exchange all my burdens with all His Grace. But it remains an uncertain place...a place where if I allow my mind to wonder I end up terrified and in pain. It’s the hallway...He’s closing a door behind me but has yet to open another and He wants to gift me here, I feel it....but I just haven’t learned how to praise Him in the hallway...where I must wait once more! I know He wants to offer me a sweet kiss in the moment; one that showers Joy upon every fiber of my being, I simply haven’t learned to receive it yet....How to stand in such vast uncertainty, tainted with extremely painful moments and just praise Him, and wait for the absolute best ending to all of this....the one that goes beyond that which I can imagine at the very fullest level of my creativity! Today may be the very first day that I can see....the waiting will be worth it even if I do not understand a single piece of what the puzzle is going to become; I am certain it will be the most glorious image I have ever seen....because it is His!!! Rest In Him sweet souls...know that the unknown was meant to be enjoyed and not feared....meet Him there and let Him show you The Way...the One, True, Faithful, Perfect Way! Love you all....sincerely, waiting and learning to praise Him in the hallway!

Three Noises we hear...

The Whisper of Fear
It never arrives as an obvious scream, but instead its just a subtle breeze that begins to whisper and quietly brushes across our tattered hearts leaving remnants of its intentions in every open crevice. Sometimes we recognize it for exactly what it is, but more times than not we are allured by its charm, seduced by its clever approach, confused by its message. How can fear find its way so deeply into our thoughts, our hearts, our souls? It erodes any Truth, or Trust that we have somehow mustered up in our half hearted efforts. It tears down what we think we know and towers over us with shadows of cold gloomy despair. But we are not a creation marked for fear; tho I believe this with all of my soul, I find that until I am willing to stand in the very face of that fear I am no match to its cunning ways. I cannot run fast enough, or hide deep enough, or fade away into the distant backdrop hoping it will not find me; hoping it will forget its very task of robbing me of my hope this day! No I must stand nostril to nostril with it, as its breath torments every fiber of my being...

The Murmur of Pain
Oh but this one you often see coming. You feel its approach from deep within your belly. You know when you are standing on the edge and you realize you typically respond one of two ways; you run with all you have away from its hold, out of its grasp, from under its weight..you distract and you stuff and you deny the cries from your aching soul. Or you stand right in the center, still and uncertain and often shaking; you welcome it and you wait! Its heavy there, often perplexing to the mind and heart. It approaches those old wounds with familiar lies and tempts your soul to lose sight of all hope. It drains your spirit and leaves you alone to witness to yourself; which is often the most unreliable source to go to in a time like this! It seems as if it will last forever and your eyes grow ever tired as they strain to see the light at the end. Your reason is no use here...but your pride finds its way in, to convince your heart and your mind not to feel its honest sentiment of hurt, disappointment, confusion; to deny the pain ever to exist at all...Pride directs you right out of the center and back into the very vortex which created the pain to begin with...how clever are you pride to set yourself up against this material that would grow, shape, heal and free us...

The Voice of Love
Oh sweet and precious child of mine, it is when you are afraid that you usually seek to find Me if you seek anything at all. Fear is your enemy, but Love casts it out. So when you seek Me I come and I revel in our time together. I fill you with strength and courage, integrity and wisdom, and I warn you of danger; but you are free of fear in this space...in this awareness, it has no hold on you! You slip through its fingers and find you have nothing at all to fear! You learn to look into My eyes deeply and assuredly. You learn to hold My hands tightly, placing your fragile life into My grasp! You wrap My neck in both of your arms and burry your head in My chest. My Spirit pours out all over you and you know once more....You are Mine and you have nothing to fear. You surrender....I deliver and you are set free.
The pain is such a different encounter for us, you see much like a wounded small child will climb into their parents lap and sit for hours as they are comforted by their love...so you are with Me when you get hurt. I cherish these moments of Union with you My beloved. They are so few and far between in this part of your life, that I allow them to come and sometimes to last simply because I know that this exchange is precious and pure and what I long to have with you always; yet it seems only here in the center do you see how much you have need of My lap, of My gaze and of My comfort. Do not grow confused, I love to laugh with you and sing praise with you. But truly it is here in the darkness that you begin to see My Face and long for My Will; our communion is sweetest in the center of your pain. My heart sings when you trust me like this; when you draw even deeper into Me when nothing else is making sense. I know you understand My Love in these moments; because this is what Love does, it leans in harder and deeper than it ever knew was possible and it holds on to Me, I Am Love....nothing else seems to matter in those moments. Have you not yet noticed? Nothing else will truly satisfy you in those moments. Have you not yet noticed?
These seasons, they shall pass....but you will never leave the awareness of My presence unchanged. It is in pain and fear that you learn nothing else will deliver you but My Love. So yes dear one it may last another day longer, but please lean in deeper; this exchange will satisfy your soul more profoundly and endure longer than any solution you can contrive of or any distraction you can create. I made you to commune with Me, and often it is only here that you come. I know it doesn't cure the pain just yet, but isn't it beautiful that we get to sit wrapped in each others arms just a moment longer...I see in you here, that you know I know you better than you know yourself...I see in you here, belief and faith and trust in their most powerful and pure forms. It is a Joy for me to hold you and I cherish every breath you offer in My arms; nothing can get you here....surrender and I will deliver you beloved...

Why Write....

I believe writing is a gift! I believe it is a freedom! I believe it is a necessity...well at least for me! I have always been three things for sure, one is a lover, two is a healer and three is a writer. You see I find the first two a beautiful expression of the offering of myself to the Lord and the world around me, but the third, well I often notice it’s for me. Don’t get me wrong, it is still very much a gift and I know God uses it and speaks through it; but I also know deep within my innermost parts it is when I settle in to write that my soul truly finds communion with Him. Much like yoga, for me, it is a clear space of tethering my soul back to the Source and filling up on His Love and His Presence! So join me this morning as I reminisce on why I write! 
    That beauty that grows beneath the shadows of our outer realm can be so creatively expressed through so many different ways. He is an artist indeed. The Artist, after all; I suppose we shouldn’t expect any less. But just gander around and see the creative beauty that wells up from each man’s soul. The music, the art, the logic, the invention, the creativity, the compassion, the service, the selflessness, the poems, the stories, the written words that come alive from man made pages...God is so sweetly portrayed throughout all of His design. I suppose this awareness also reveals why and how I am a lover. I see things in people that they rarely see in themselves. I see their hearts, I see their potential, I see Him; His brilliant design upon each fiber of their being. And I simply revel in it! I need more of Him, we all do. I guess I’ve just learned to recognize that the parts I need the see of the Great Mystery, are right there cleverly hidden beneath the surface of mankind.. And what a wonder it is!
      The sorrow that often accompanies that beauty is the space that His healing has yet to touch. I see that too! I read the hearts and see the wounds. I never really could understand why God gave me this gift, but as a child it was purely expressed through unconditional love and forgiveness of those who terribly trespassed upon my story. I had a very keen awareness that my own survival would hinge on my compass to find the beauty in all creations and then offer love and forgiveness in undeserved capacities. Rarely do I find that when I gaze into the eyes of another, that they do not know they are loved, no matter the context of the exchange...I think their heart sees mine and knows of the stories that the pain, sorrow, suffering, surrender and survival all tell. They know they are safe and they are loved...They are free to let their light shine and push out the shadows. It creates a space to listen and to heal; to wonder and to rest. To unburden and to unwind. To dream and to reminisce. To find freedom and to break the chains. WE all need these moment with one another. It is a beautiful exchange!
     The writer....well she is the one that sits down and finds that after a day of one unrelenting disappointment after another, there is still life in these bones and hope just dripping from her fingers as she longs to write and to commune once more with the Spirit. She sees this entire journey as a magnificent all encompassing adventure...so much to see and so much to share...if there’s is life in this body there will be stories to tell and words to write upon the hearts that He so desires to find these rambling little notes of a girl madly in love with her Creator....may a season well up in me of writing these stories down and sharing my heart once more...may we all be so brave as to accept whatever creativity He has weaved unto our souls and share unashamedly with each other...you are a masterpiece and have immeasurably more to offer this life than you begin to know! So I shall write....until I can no longer...

To write again...

Writing is a gift for me....just the rantings of my soul poured out onto the fibers of the paper....the Truth as I come to know it, live it, experience it; transpired into words drawn from my fingers and left on the page to be as they will....Echoes of stories told within my soul! Sometimes it is nonsense and sometimes perfect sense....so please enjoy the tattered letters as they befall over these pages bound together in humility:

Lord, I realized today that I still draw quickly from the safety and sanctity of Our Conversations into the exchange of words that unchanged hearts offer. Surrender the teacher in me~blow my mind and may I simply learn stillness with my eyes wide open...

Let my thought fade
As I lie open hearted before You
May You peel back the layers that have hardened
And expose the heart of flesh You breathed into me upon creation
Quiet my mind~this is a heart matter
Free my Spirit to find depth beyond my comprehension
Beginning each day with open hands, open heart and open mind
Faith is being poured out into this portion of my life
It offers You to work Your ways into all of my circumstances
Learning to live within the boundaries of the Present
This is where You are~finding Joy, Peace and Love there
You are only giving my human frailty a day at a time, a step at a time, a breath at a time
And so I will linger in the Cleave of Your Mighty Hand
Waiting to see the Good You will bring from this cup of trial You have passed unto me...
Lord hear my cry and deliver my heart exactly where You desire...
Your will be done!

Love language

What if there was a language God called us to speak; one that truly liberated others to be themselves. The creation God knows and loves regardless of the flaws, in spite of the differences; even because of those very differences. My heart grows heavy as I sit across from the precious gift of life that flows through their veins and recognize how little of that life they are aware of...How wounded and blind they have become...how wounded and blind I have become. How my emotions have misled me and my heart is calloused. How I deny the very life that surges throughout my body because I cannot make sense of it. How my mind will rob me of hours of His presence. How my heart will quiver within His very hands, and yet I will think it lies there alone; unattended to, beaten up and broken never to be restored or redeemed. Lost in the story that we have convinced ourselves is reality; and oblivious to the Truth. How precious a creation we are and yet how painfully unaware of that we can become. How disillusioned we can be when faced with our fears, our shame, our doubt and our ignorance. Who but God can rescue us? We are scared of ourselves beyond comprehension. Some of us run, others rebel, some just go in circles refusing to leave that path; all of us afraid of vulnerability, afraid of our true selves, afraid to Love and to be Loved. We would let ourselves drown in the sea of lies before we would reach for the life vest that's keeping our vulnerability afloat and safely away from risk.

C.S. Lewis wrote these words, 

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket~ safe, dark, motionless, airless~ it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

Giving and receiving Love seems to be so hard on us all. Why is this? What are we afraid of? Perhaps we simply find ourselves unworthy to receive and untrustworthy to offer such a thing. But isn’t that the point; we are unworthy, we are untrustworthy. But He is not. He guides and drives us into situation after situation to find it, to find Love, to find Him...the One True Essence of man; and then to offer it freely to others....But here we stand scared and seemingly alone. Unwilling to be vulnerable to the absolute obvious Source of Life; LOVE. And so we trip and we fall and we decide we were right after all! There we go carrying our own hearts in our own feeble hands and trusting no one; Not even the One! Often when we glimpse this mystery, this Love, we will deny its power. We will negate its presence. What fools are we? His hands must be heart shaped because we need to be held at every point along the way of learning to Love. Held without a gap, without space to wriggle ourselves free. We cannot Love, not truly Love, on our own. We will not Love, on our own. The word itself prevents a solitary act. Love is not done by one of us, for one of us. It is done by Him for all of us. It is done through us by Him, for us...And sadly, we can neither receive the Love that searches us out and seeks our affections, if even our simply acknowledgement. We are so sure it will let us down that we never really allow it in. May the walls come crashing down around us, that we may see. That we may know..Oh How He loves us! May the cracks in our hearts welcome the Light of His love and in doing so find the healing that only He can give. Then stand back as our hearts burst from our chests to reach out into the lives of others...just simply to offer the same glimpse He has been offering to us day in and day out since creation began; A glimpse of Himself, enduring Love! May each of us pick up a new language, the language of LOVE....speak it often and freely....we all need to hear what it has to say!

Three Stories, One Wisdom....

Sometimes I feel as if words could just drip from my fingertips....as if life is such a beautiful mystery that it should be whispered over our hearts without relent. While so many of us simply stammer about recklessly without a care or consequence for the world around us...for the miracle of life, of breath, of emotion, of awareness, of grace, of love, of forgiveness and of compassion!

The Kite

While in meditation with my Holy Yoga students God granted me the following glimpse. I was a kite, filled with beautiful colors and shaped marvelously for my intended purpose of flying higher and higher still into the sky. I knew what I was; I knew I was a kite. I knew what I was capable of because I knew my Designer. I knew how I was made and where I came from. And I could see myself flying high above the earth, enjoying all that had been given unto me; reaching my face to simply feel the touch that only the Son can lavish upon me. The warmth, the love, the awareness of His presence. When suddenly I looked down to see my string still attached to the earth, and I came crashing to the ground. As if my recognition that I was part of the world below me, was to my demise. I felt and thought as if I was defined by the world. As if I was part of all that it holds deep in the layers of its core; the darkness, the chaos, the forgetfulness, the doubtfulness, the fearfulness, the ugliness. And I fell. It was only for a moment. Then once again I rose understanding, a little better with a little more certainty and clarity, that I am both. I am part of this world and all it’s darkness and part of the longing that draws me closer to Him and all of His Lightness. I embraced that having one without the other would not work for a kite. Being tethered to the world, as I know it, would cause me to tumble to the ground and remain there with no hope of flying. I believe after some time I would even begin to forget that I could fly at all; not believing that the likes of me was ever created for such remarkable a thing. And if I ignored the earth below I would float carelessly around the vast expanse of the skies, with no regard for the men and women and the relationships God had made the content my life so full with. So I found the balance that only Grace offers, the balance that God says “I Am the Wind, I give you flight. You are correct that you are both parts my child, but lest you forget, I Am the Kite Flyer. With me you are safe to keep flying, higher and higher. Never forgetting where you came from or where you are.” And in that moment once again I understood I was Known by Him, I was meant to fly and He would always help me do just that! It was Love, Compassion and Grace that delivered the vision that morning. Nothing of me, but all of Him! God became the breath that is in the breath...for these precious few moments of exchange....

The Mother

So I was reading a book that shared a story of a young man who had lived a troubled life (I am paraphrasing the following retelling) He had been a gang member and had done many shameful things according to his account. He stood before the priest while still in prison waiting to be baptized. The priest began a conversation and the boy took over from within this man. He began to tell of his childhood, his father and all the abuse, the horrible abuse; weeping with each gasp for breath, for understanding, for life. These stories had obviously haunted him for as long as he could recall. Then he began telling of his mother, who stood not too far away, awaiting his baptism. He spoke again with tear filled words but now he said, “She has come every Sunday for the years I have spent in prison to see my sorry a@#.” He looked up at the priest and said, “Do you know how many buses she has to take to get here?” The priest just waited as the boy replied to his own question. “Seven, she takes seven buses every Sunday just to come see me; to bring me Love...” 

All I could think was isn’t this exactly how God would do it? He will take seven buses to bring you His Love and Compassion, His Support and Approval...no matter where you are; in the darkest worst places your days have seen. He will get to you...to deliver His precious gift of Love. He came down here to get us once and I believe He does it everyday. That’s how I found Him...He came when my world had been so confused, when the damage I was doing was hurting me deeply and then overflowing to hurt many others. When I no longer knew right from wrong, or better, I had found a rationalization for all of the wrong I was doing. When I had no idea of why I was made or what I was worth; not truly. When darkness was the norm. When I was sure I had a handle on it all. When my reality was that I must fight to be worth something in the eyes of someone, anyone. He came as a child in my stomach to tell me I was worthy, I was chosen, I was loved...I was enough for Him to entrust another life to! Her name is Davyn, it means beloved....because this was the first time I could believe it! I WAS HIS BELOVED!!! And once I heard it, I would know it for the rest of my life! Everything changed for me in those moments. It wasn’t so much that I was acknowledging that I knew He loved me, it was more that I was acknowledging my role as His beloved. I had come to see I was His child and worthy of His love; no matter where I had been or what I had done. I knew He had taken Seventy-Seven buses to get to me....to bring me Love

The Reality

Sometimes, just sometimes I get to be the deliverer of this Love and Compassion, from God, into the lives of others. Sometimes we all do. Sometimes I get to reach down into the deepest, darkest places of another’s life and reflect the Light which has been shown to me. Sometimes we all do. And sometimes I blow out the candle on my way in because I think I know what is best for them, what they need and certainly that I am right about it all. Sometimes we all do this as well! Sometimes I think we reduce our reality by trying to exclude others from God. As if what they are doing sets them out of God’s reach, but truly that is where I was found; in the farthest reach I thought I could have been from God. Our attempts to do this only diminish the mystery of God into some sort of members only club; when the Reality is with God there are no outsiders. That’s right none! We were all meant to fly. True Love, divine love if you will, is ceaselessly restless until it has turned all of our wounds healthy, all our deformities beautiful, all our shame lovely, and all of our humilities laughable. He does not stop; He cannot, He loves you too much. “I have called you by your name, You are Mine.” As Isaiah confesses it... Behold the One who is beholding you and smiling...It is not His disapproval that He incessantly is casting upon you, it is His Love and Compassion and Grace. We are more the disapproving ones than God. Nothing you do is too dreadful for God to come to you in; if He has to take seven or seventy times seven buses to get there. It has been such a disservice to teach that God cannot look upon sin, when most of the time that is exactly where He shows up to get you....right smack dab in the middle of your sin. And you know what? He is looking right at you, with Loving eyes that adore you and say, “ You are my Beloved, won’t you come with me?” The instant we think we have arrived at the most expansive sense of who God could be and how much He can love us, He will break through our insufficient thinking and make Himself known, once more, in a deeper way than before. And all we have to do is be willing to look....to believe in a reality that says God is greater than even what our sense of Him has been and that this reality can and will grow as expansive as our God truly is.....as we all allow our reality to shift.

Thank You Lord for your Love, Compassion and Grace. May we all embrace this deeper still.....